The word depression to me means to be sad and hopeless for the longest time. It could be months or even years. I lost myself through this process of depression, it almost drove me insane. Well, I’m practically insane, that’s what people of Ashdown see in a person who suffers from this obnoxious disease. All we need is a bit of support.
We don’t need criticism and to be called “nutcases”. During the period of my mental breakdown I felt like an outcast in society. I felt like a weirdo so I isolated myself, I became a loner whose only friends were a pen and paper. Depression sometimes messed with my thinking, I experienced writer’s block sometimes and I had suicidal thoughts.
When I was in Grade 8, I would cut myself on my wrist with a razor. I wanted to feel the pain that I was feeling inside me. I felt no pain. I felt numb that and started to believe all the lies about myself. Who does that? I could hear negative voices inside my head saying I was ugly. That’s when I realised I was really losing my mind.
I felt worthless, many things triggered my depression, like my unhappy childhood and bullies. Children from my neighbourhood did not want to play with me and they called me an ugly thing. I cried myself to sleep. That’s when I realised that they hate my guts.
I stay at home, I became a loner who watched television and that’s when my love for writing began. I was only seven years old. Writing is my therapy but I know it is not enough. I am ashamed to see a professional because of the notion my community planted in my mind that if you are seeing a psychologist or have this disease you are officially a Looney. You belong in an asylum.
I know depression will be the death of me if I don’t seek help. I have attempted so many failed suicides. God help me, I’m in the deep water. This is too much luggage for me. I know it’s a sin to take my own life but my heart is bleeding.
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