The narrow and straight path of spirituality
Inflexible, everything in black and white
Like words engraved on a stone
So as they are imprinted in my heart
The need to do what is right drives me
But like a drowning man needing air, I need him
Not the soft supple of her curves,
God knows not for the lack of trying
The roughened edges of a strong man take my breath away
But I can’t
My spirituality says I can’t
That I shouldn’t
That it’s not normal
That it’s not natural
And I believe it
Those words are my life
The God above is my focus, without Him there is no me
And yet how come I feel this way?
Wanting him like a starved man
Oh how I claw at myself when thoughts of him cloud my mind
How I hate myself when I can’t want her like I should
I make myself sick
The perversity of my mind
I rush to kneel and pray
I ask God to fix me
I’m not at peace, how can I find peace?
When thoughts of the unnatural torment me
The need for a fellow man consume me
I can’t live with my thoughts
I’m being torn apart between my fleshly desires and my spirituality
Even if I choose one I won’t be happy without the other
If I choose me what of the people I love?
When did it become so hard to live?
So tired, so weak
I’m choking, trying to breathe
Crying for help
But no one can hear because no one should know
Fighting my demons
Putting one foot in front of the other
Going through the motions
Pretending to live
Hiding my desires deep inside
Because I can’t afford to want what I shouldn’t
Who am I?
I don’t know me anymore…
So I cut myself open and bleed the confusion away
And hope my maker will welcome me with open arms
In my death I can breathe again
I can find peace or so I believe. ..