It’s four o’clock in the morning
I’m tossing and turning
Sleep alludes me
My head is spinning
Thinking… about nothing…
Something…?
Everything…
I’m struggling
Trying to find myself
Who am I…
What I want….
Where am I going…
What to feel

When to feel
How to tell them I feel it!!
They think I don’t care
They think it doesn’t hurt
They think I have forgotten
They see me smile
They see me laugh
But they have never seen me cry
Oh how I cry…

They have never seen me break…
Oh how I shatter…
A million and one pieces
So broken
With no one to put me together
How do I put myself together?
So alone
How do I not be alone?
I don’t fit in
I’m always the weird one
Always the isolated
The last to be noticed
The last to care about
I’m no ice stone
I’m too soft inside
Who do I tell…God?

How do I tell them?
Show them?
Who do I even tell?
I’ve no close one
Who would talk about feelings?
Black people don’t talk about “feelings”
Or maybe they just don’t respect other people’s?
I don’t know how to deal with it
The death of my mother
The rejection of my father
The profession of my stepfather
The domestic violence I used to see
The profession my mother chose
The death of my closest cousin

The rejection of my aunt
How I’m always the problem child
The one people complain about
The one no one wants…
Yep, a dysfunctional family but at least it was a family
Now they aren’t here anymore all of them
They left me alone…

Yes I’m self-aware
I know I can look arrogant
Sometimes maybe I am
When problems arise
I run and hide
Putting my head in the sand like an ostrich
Hiding in my own head
Imagining things
Creating my own reality
All in my head yet my mind knows and accepts it’s not true
Keeping my head in novels
Writing

My relationships… sigh
My relationships never work
Not because “he” doesn’t love me
But because I run out of love
I feel suffocated
So hard hearted
So cold towards him
Like I don’t need him
My mind agrees
But does my heart?
I always break them…
I’m never sorry
Never regret
Yet that doesn’t stop me from wanting someone of my own…
Someone I can love
Accept,
Respect,
Need,
For the rest of my life…
I need to love him more than he loves me
Yes my heart has been broken only once
Did I deal with it?

Life…
My achievements?
Ha, ha
I have achieved nothing
Living with my head in the clouds
And I couldn’t leave
So I could live in reality
Always addicted to reading
Or the other
Always escaping
Couldn’t even study
Cause I never wanted to leave my head
Couldn’t cope with what was there
But today I’m doing nursing so I’m on my way to achieving something
It is a depressing profession that I chose
Why did I even choose it?

I’m screaming
Can you hear me
Or are your ears clogged
By the big smiles you see on my face?
I’m stagnant
I’m still
I’m not moving
They say still waters run deep?
Ha, ha did they forget still waters hide bacteria
A rolling stone gathers no moss?
He, he, I was once a rolling stone
Moving from one place to another
I couldn’t even make friends
Cause I knew I would leave them
Or was it because of my dysfunctional family?
Because of my background?
Because kids ask too many questions
I couldn’t answer…
Better to be a rolling stone
At least it is in motion
It will definitely reach a destination
It can’t be in motion forever
That would defy the rules of the universe right?