By the time you read this letter I would have probably done so much damage that deep down you will feel that this letter won’t make a difference. Today I woke up and decided to write you this letter of apology, not for you to forgive me, but for you to see that I’m really sorry.
The things I’ve done to you and our children have made me realise I’m not the man I was destined to be. When we met, I always told you I don’t ever want to be a duplicate of my late father. But how different am I to him when the things I have done are much worse than those he was cable of?
They say “It doesn’t matter where you’re from but only where you’re going, because it’s where you are going that determines where you from”.
As you know, from an early age I told myself I was going to be a much better father for my own kids. Unfortunately everyday life consumed me, oh well, I let it. You tried your utmost best and when you kept saying I was slipping away, it felt like you wanted me all to yourself. Loosing you was the biggest mistake of my life but forgetting the promise I had made to myself to be a better father was the worst.
You always tell me our kids don’t need a perfect father, even if I was the lowest scum in the world, as long as they knew and felt my love that was enough. I was raised to think that money was everything but it was the times when you would say they didn’t need my money but needed me that hit me very hard. The time I was busy chasing life and materialistic things I lost my way and focus and forgot how to love my kids.
The pace they’re growing at scares me. The other day whilst watching TV, our son said he wanted to be like me when he’s grown. I looked at him and I was scared to tell him that it wasn’t possible. When he looks at me he sees this perfect father yet he doesn’t realise how many times you had to pick up the pieces when I was too busy to show up. Or how many times you had to fulfill promises I made so that I don’t look like a bad father.
I don’t want my son to be anything like me. I want him to be strong and levelheaded as you. Strong and firm just as you are. You’re not a perfect mother, but woman, the lengths you have gone through for our children is beyond a mother’s love. The way you find a way when I make excuses is enough reason for me to say you are both mother and father to our children.
The things you went through alone were the hardest, but somehow have made you the strongest.
At times you tell me how hard it is yet you make it look so easy. I can’t remember you not showing up for anything. Nothing I can ever say will change how you feel about me but today, I want you to know I thank God for your life. Even if I’d have to choose another woman to care for my children I’d still choose you. I’ve done things that will take a life time to forgive, but asking for forgiveness would be asking for too much.
So for now, thank you.
I pray that one day I can be half the parent you have been to our children. I pray that our children grow up to be the spitting image of you. I don’t promise to be a better person for them but I do promise to start trying a bit harder. I don’t know what it means to be a father figure but from this moment on I’ll start trying. Thank you for being the best for me and our kids.
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