A thousand thoughts in my mind racing, which one will I focus on? A heartbreak and a flowing mind with good memories turned into bad. For I am looking at all angles, every word you said, playing flashbacks in my mind. Wasn’t it yesterday when we were holding hands walking down the streets wearing matching outfits? You telling your not-so-funny jokes but every time you made a joke I laughed.
Today I’m crying my lungs out just because I said, “I’m tired of being the other woman, I don’t know whether we are moving forward or backwards, one day you are so gentle with me, the next you run into her arms. It’s time you make up your mind.”
You chose her over me. I have given you my all; I have been nothing but good to you. I treated you with sincerity, I gave you a second chance and this what I get? This is what I get for loving you with my all and respecting you? Is this what I get for accepting you as the person you were, for loving you unconditionally? If I forgive you and treat you with sincerity again I’d be doomed.
“Well, missing you is no joke, but I’ve realised nothing forcefully done can ever be agreeable, but the most unbearable thing is a human’s mind, it changes, so why should I give up on us? But nobody can stand being used, neither can I. You don’t love me, not because I can’t be compared with her but because all the deliberate actions cannot be compared to a pure heart, and I’ve been asking myself throughout my life who has treated me with sincerity? No one, not even you. I hope this message reaches you but by then I’ll be gone forever. I am suffocating and I’m tired, because yes, I’m awake but all I want to do is go back to sleep because reality is suffocating. All I want do is go live my life in my dreams, that’s where you visit me and say all the right things and do them. I love you forever, if there really is a second life I hope we will meet there and you will choose me instead. Signed, your love.”
“It’s you, it’s always you, I met a lot of people but nobody feels like you, so please don’t break my heart, don’t tear me apart. Trust me, I’ve been broken before, you promised to never break my heart. You told me that you were going to go with me to the primordial world. I want to be with you again, hold my hand tightly as the waves get monstrous, tell me your so-not-funny jokes and I’ll laugh harder than before; is that still possible? Are those dreams gone?”
It’s been days of self-pity and nights of crying till morning, realising you are really gone and you will never come back. I made you choose because I had hope that you’d choose me. I had a gift for you. You were so gentle with me and showed me I was deserving of love, I never thought I deserved to the point where I was nervous being in a relationship. Because, for the first time, I was with someone who I really loved, that’s why I wrote this piece:
“I see you, I feel you, I love you. I love you loudly and confidently. I love how you undress, how you clothe me with safety and security, how you never judge me. You are the reason I believe God is still out there: through you, in you, why would I not believe he chose you for me? I chose you for me, I did it freely and I will do it every waking day of my life.”
But it’s no use now, is it? I love you and I hope you read this and never forget these three words: ‘I love you’.
Tell us: In what way do you relate to this essay?
