I puffed on my cigarette with my one leg on the wall. I am supposed to be in class right now, but I am hanging out in a dingy alley.

I take a few more puffs before squashing the cigarette butt and stuffed my hands in my pockets, ignoring the homeless guy as he goes through the bin looking for food as I take a deep breath, I can’t remember the last time I was this nervous.

Last night was never supposed to happen, but it happened anyway, and I have been feeling guilty about it.

I tossed and turned last night that I had barely slept a wink, I know I should have walked away, but I couldn’t and no I am not angry that Manqoba went for Rose even though I had my eyes on him ever since he joined our class 3 years ago, and I was happy for my friend when she got him. She has been very unlucky when it came to having long-lasting relationships and now that she did, I had to go and sleep with her boyfriend.

To my defence, I was drunk last night and my mind was all over the place, but still that does not stop me from feeling like shit.

Yesterday was supposed to be a fun night out with my friend Rose, but it ended up being one of the nights that I wish to erase from history.

My heart is pounding so fast it might as well come out of my chest right this instant. I stuff my hands deep in my pockets to keep them from fiddling too much.

“Thandizwe,” Manqoba said, looking around to make sure no one sees him, I would have been hurt by the fact that he did not want to be seen with me, but I didn’t only because I also did not want to be seen with him that is why I wore my baggy clothes and a hoodie.

I have chosen to meet up far away from our town, but that does not mean one can be free, not when anyone can see you and piece the puzzle together.

I lick my dry lips, hoping in these few seconds my heart will stop beating so fast.

“Last night was never supposed to happen.” I say.

This morning, I practically ran out of my flat so that my friend won’t see the guilt written on my face.

I had 3 stupid drinks, and then I found myself and Manqoba in a tiny storeroom with our lips locked together, breathing heavily, I tried forgetting about that night, Lord knows I tried, but it was the only thing I saw whenever I closed my eyes. In another lifetime we would have made a great couple, but not now, not when he is in love with my friend and not me.

“It never happened, and we shall never speak about it ever again.” I state.

Manqoba nods, pulling his hoodie over his head. “Deal,” he says as he rushes away from the alley and in a few minutes he is gone.

I lean back on the wall and took a deep breath. With my shaky hands, I take out my cigarette and placed it between my lips and light it.

Hopefully now I can forget about last night and its secret that weighs heavily on my shoulders, and maybe I can convince myself that it was just the alcohol that made me do what I did last night, and I am not a bad friend.

Rose and I have been friends ever since high school, and we have been inseparable ever since, and the thought of losing her crushes me, which means I have to make sure that she never finds out.

A month later…

I walk inside the pharmacy and ignore all the judgy eyes as I buy 3 pregnancy tests, I don’t believe I am pregnant, but the best way for me to move on and forget about that stupid night is for me to take the tests.

The tests burn a hole in my bag as I buy plastic cups in the garage, I take a deep breath as I take my first pregnancy “No.” I whispered in a shaky voice, I took the rest of the tests, and they all came back positive, I am pregnant.

With shaky hands, I wipe tears from my face as I get out of the toilet and wash my hands.

How will Rose look at me? I threw the tests in the bin and got out of the bathroom stalls and quickly searched for a cigarette in my handbag and placed it between my lips and I let it calm me down.

Being a mother has never been in my to-do list or my dream but an abortion is something I will ever consider.

When I walk through the door, I see Rose looking happy as she takes out ice cream from the fridge. “Hey.” She said, walking into the living room. I followed her walking like a zombie, Rose looked at me confused, “What’s wrong?”

Tears came gushing out as I looked at her, I was okay with hiding what happened last night, but I can never lie about a baby that was growing inside me.

“I’m pregnant.” I said.

Rose’s face lit up, “That’s wonderful news, so why are you crying?”

I shake my head trying to find a way to tell her, but how do I even begin telling her, I can’t just say Hey Rosy I slept with your man, and now I’m pregnant.

“I,” I stopped for a second and took a deep breath “That night I was drunk, when we were out,” I said with my heart pounding “I want you to know that I love you so much okay.”

“O-kay.” Rose said hesitantly.

“I was drunk, you know that time, and one thing led to another and I… Manqoba and I had sex, but it meant nothing and I have felt terrible ever since.” I said breathing heavily.

Rose’s face went from confusion, to anger and to sadness so fast I could barely grasp it. She looked at me like I disgusted her, like I am some virus that she wants to get away from.

She stood up from the couch and shook her head, “You’re joking.” She said, shaking her head, “Tell me that you are joking.” She said, walking towards me.

“You bastard.” She said, slapping me directly on my cheek before she stormed out, leaving me standing there with my hand on my cheek and just like that I had lost my long-time friend. And for what exactly..?