I was once happy, loved and appreciated. I once felt special but here I am now, the loneliest person in the world. I am a 21-year-old girl suffering from depression, trying to cope with this “life” thing and it’s not easy, it gets tougher year by year. At my age, I have to try to balance building a career and having someone to spend the rest of my love with.
I had someone who was my everything, my happy pill; someone who made me feel special. His name was Lungelo but God took him, God took him while I was still enjoying spending time with him, the joy Lungelo gave me was precious.
I am suffering the pain of losing someone I love, the pain of not being loved and being lonely. I was never so sad with Lungelo, he was the guy who gave true love without expecting anything in return. We created so many memories together, the best memories, there were no bad memories.
He made me feel special in that one year I spent with him; he was my high-school sweetheart. “My Lungi,” that’s what I called him, my Lungi died in a car accident. The horrible accident feels like it happened yesterday every time I think about it.
It was the 13th of July when he left me in this horrible world! Ever since that day I have never experienced the joy that guy gave me, no one will love me the way Lungi did. I last saw him the day before he passed on, he was so happy; we spent hours together listening to his favorite song (The Soil – Inkomo), he would sing even though he was a bad singer. He would also laugh and tell me jokes.
One thing I loved about him, he cared about me, he would protect me from everything that could break my heart. I defined our love as “the love that never dies” and it won’t die. Here I am, still in love with a dead person. Is it good to call him a dead person? It doesn’t sound good to me. It’s been years since he died but our memories are still stuck with me.
The fact that I don’t see him any more kills me every day, he didn’t deserve to die, he was still young, he had a pure heart, he was a good person and everyone would agree with me on this. The day he died, he wanted to see me but I was with my cousin and I didn’t want to leave her alone so I told my Lungi that I’d see him the next day but that next day never happened.
If only I agreed to see him, he would be here now, ALIVE! But my stupidity caused me this huge pain in my heart. I didn’t believe when I was told he passed away, I thought it was a mistake. I would call him every day but his phone would go straight to voicemail. Then I would listen to his voice, “You’ve reached Lungelo, I am not available now, please leave a message, I’ll get back to you.” But how can he get back to me because he is DEAD?! If I could turn back the time, I would change that day and spend that day with him.
Time went by. After he passed away I was suffering. I started drinking alcohol to try to forget but the opposite happened, every time when I was drunk I was seeing him…I know it sounds crazy but every time when I saw a tall dark guy I would think it was Lungelo.
I started sleepwalking, dreaming about him every time. Seeing him in my dreams was the best thing ever, I wish I could sleep forever to be with him. Every guy I felt in love with after Lungelo was not giving me that love, I found dating so boring and meaningless.
Lungelo and I belong together, right? We do! It’s just that God chooses everything for us and on this he did me wrong and it is not fair. My Lungi was supposed to survive that accident, he was mine! And now I am facing the rest of my life alone! He is nowhere to be found, he is gone but he will forever be in my heart. That guy never did me wrong.
I am suffering from depression, it stresses my parents so much. I tried to commit suicide a couple of times because my life hurts, it was a stupid decision I know but it would be better if I died because being in love with a dead person, it’s hard!
Here I am trying to balance a career and loving someone who is not in this world and taking antidepressant pills! How would I live my life taking some drugs to help me to stay calm? I try every day to heal but it gets worse every day. I would cry and beg God to bring Lungelo back but that is not possible.
To everyone who is suffering from depression: stay strong. We will fight this battle day by day. It will get better, we will live a normal life again.
Tell us: How did you move on from the pain of losing a loved one?