You have probably heard of the word” depression”, how it drives its victims to suicide. If you live in South Africa you know about the two male celebrities who committed suicide in the name of depression. I am certain that you ask yourselves questions like – what is depression? Is it that bad that it made these men to leave their wives and children alone in this world? Well as they say it is better to hear it from the horse’s mouth right? Allow me to break it down to you…

Depression is like being thrown into a pit where there is no light and hope, it is like being abandoned in the Saharan desert where there is no water and no life force. When you are depressed you feel so empty and hollow, you have this void inside you that you don’t know how to fill it. You may chat and laugh with a depressed person today and find out tomorrow that this person has killed himself or herself and you ask how and why because that person seemed so happy and so well when you were with them. The truth is that a depressed person knows how to act happy and look fine while deep down they are in pain and hurting. As soon as you leave or that person is left alone they go back to the pit and the desert.

When you are depressed you are not at the right state of mind, your mind is not sound. Your mind is clouded by the emptiness that you feel in your heart and that is why that person will think that they are worthless and that their life is not worth living anymore. They think of suicide as the only solution to escape that dark place and to end the pain and emptiness in their heart. If there was medication to relieve that hollow feeling maybe suicide would not be the only solution to escape depression. Alcohol and drugs may be effective aid for a little while then when they wear out the lonely feelings comes back and you feel them all over again, it is like you are being haunted or you have been featured in an unending horror film.

What causes depression? The truth is many things are the cause of depression. For me it was childhood trauma, growing up without a father and living in a dysfunctional family. My mom left my dad when I was a toddler because he became abusive when he was drunk. My mother left me with my grandparents in Limpopo to go work in Mpumalanga so that she could provide for me. Everything was good – I had very loving and amazing grandparents.

But things changed when my mother got married and took me to live with her and my sted dad. I was so excited to move from the rurals to the city and happy that I have a new dad. I was ten years old in fourth grade, my mom was pregnant and gave birth to my baby brother. My happiness was short lived when my step dad started to show his true nature, he abused my mom mentally and emotionally. He cheated on her continually without remorse or repentance, the worst case scenario was when he cheated on her with my cousin. The whole thing killed her inside she was never the same again, I watched her cry day and night not knowing what to say or do.

On my side blood is not thicker than water, I come from a family where they detest each other and celebrate your downfall, that is the reason why my mother couldn’t leave my step dad. He never stopped cheating on her, she was present in my life physically but absent emotionally, mentally and spiritually. My step dad and my mom became like cat and mouse they would always fight, they became toxic and that is how I got into depression.

I grew up in a cold home without peace, I longed for that love of both parents and what hurt me the most was that they are both alive but not present. Because love and affection was not present in my home I went to look for it outside, I found myself a boyfriend and when I discovered that he was cheating on me I got more depressed. High school was terrible too because I was bullied, I hated school, my home and my life. The only reason I never committed suicide is that I heard my neighbour saying that if you commit suicide you miss heaven and go to hell.

A moment that changed my life is when I got an admission to university and left home to relocate, I rented a room and lived alone far from everything and everyone who caused me depression. I met the landlord’s sister who was so kind, gentle and God-fearing. Her name was Bongi. She became my human diary whom I told all that troubled my soul, the pain, anger and hatred. We talked about everything and prayed about it too and that is how my healing process started. The journey was not easy it was messy especially the forgiveness part, how do you forgive someone who is not sorry?

My aha moment was in September , it was the beginning of a new season Spring and that is when I made the decision to start my life on a clean slate. I forgave my past including both my father and step father, I felt peace I have never known before . I came out of that dark pit and left the lifeless desert, the hollow emptiness in my heart was filled with self-love. I started to change the way I think and feel about myself and that is how I defeated depression. Love is a sword which I used to kill depression and that is when I realised the importance of having a good and healthy relationship with yourself, being kind to yourself is necessary.

Forgiveness and letting go is therapeutic. Do it frequently for your own wellbeing. Depression is real and so is overcoming it. I am grateful that I didn’t take my own life, I would have missed so many beautiful things like life itself. The power to change your life is within you just reach out. Never forget to smile and laugh – that is one of the best things in life.