Unrequited love. Forbidden relationships. No freedom. Drug addict father. Controlling mother. A self-righteous and nasty father. Are all those reasons enough for a 16-year-old girl to commit suicide?
Hatred. Hatred is the feeling I feel towards my mother and step-father. The hatred increases inside of me, day by day when my step-father simply speaks. Hatred is the feeling I feel towards my mother and step-father when I see my crush’s photos because I blame them for the fact that I am not in a relationship with him. Hatred is the feeling I feel towards my mother and step-father for the fact that I wanted to commit suicide.
On the 8th of October 2020, my mother took my phone and went through all my private messages. The chats on my phone was mostly between me and boys, which obviously includes flirting. But there is one guy who I absolutely love, like I’m deeply in love with him. We started chatting two years ago on Facebook. He is the uncle of my cousin. He is 19 years old. He stays five to ten kilometres away from me. An hour drive I think. Many times he would come to my town to meet me, but I always made up excuses not to meet him. Not because I did not want to, but because my mother does not want me to date boys.
A few times he said that he loves me. He asked me to be his girlfriend, but I refused, not because I did not want to but because my mother refused. Now he has moved on. He has a girlfriend, and it seems as if they really love each other. He posts stuff on social media like: if you both want it, it will work out. I feel like it is meant for me, but then I have to force myself to remember that it is meant for his girlfriend.
After all this time, I still love him, because he has a great personality and when he asks if you are okay, he really means it. He truly cares.
As my messages are personal I felt betrayed and worthless. I told my biological father everything and cried my eyes out.
The next day I stole my grandmother’s pills. Just as I wanted to take the pills my cousin noticed and took them from me by force. She promised to keep the incident a secret.
A few months later, my mother gave my phone back on one condition, which is deleting all social media apps, accept Moya and WhatsApp. Almost every day my mother and step-father scream and insult me, which breaks down my self-esteem.
A few weeks ago it was my birthday. I waited the whole day for my father to come and wish me. At around 23:50 my father came to wish me. I ran out of the house to see him. As we spoke, I told him I wanted to commit suicide, which is the second time, and started crying.
“Why do you want to do that my child? Are your mother and step-father to blame?” he asked, concerned.
“No,” I lied.
I knew he would do something to them, as he is a member of the 27’s gangsters.
My mother then came outside and called me. She did not bother to ask why I was in tears, instead she asked what I said to my father. My father does not support me and my sister financially, but he supports me emotionally. His support means everything to me and I would die without him. No one understands the relationship between me and my father. It is special and unbreakable. I am more comfortable talking to my father than to my mother.
Everyone sees me as the happy girl. The strong girl. The smart girl. But deep down I’m sad, I’m broken. I am the one who cries behind closed doors. Sometimes we decide to hide our feelings because people judge more than they listen. So many of us don’t know happy memories, so many of us have breakdowns. What I’m trying to say is, be kind to everyone, because all of us have battles we fight that no one knows about.
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