I’m sitting here trying to numb my pain, because that’s what all my life is about. They say inja izikhotha amanxeba and I’m doing exactly that. My happiness is always short lived and every time I’m happy I should be worried that something horrifying will happen.

I don’t know if its safe for me to say they’ve succeeded in breaking me apart. They managed to install fear in me. I can’t erase their smell, their facial features in my head. God please reach me because falling to the darkest hole in this world. God reach me before I release myself from this trauma. 

I don’t know how many times I have thought about killing them, I don’t know how many times have I washed my body but I still feel dirty and I don’t know how many times I have had mental breakdowns. 

Coming out or speaking about it won’t bring me the peace I want, it will only make the situation worse because a lot of people won’t believe me. They didn’t really do it, but it’s the fact that they tried to do it.

I trusted them, I really did. Everyday I wish I owned a pistol so I could blast their brains out. Their sexual hunger was too clear for me not to see, all of a sudden they’ve turned into monsters. The way he fought to have his way with me go to a point where I lost all the hope, I got tired of fighting him because he was too strong. God reach me I’m falling. The way he touched my vagina still disgusts me till this day.

God reach me, because you know how I have prayed to forget this, you know how I have prayed to die, you know how I have prayed for peace and happiness and yet you failed me. Yes God, you failed me, a lot of things happened to me but you didn’t reach me and watched me fight all my battles all alone.

I guess after all I’m not his favourite. He promised me love, happiness and peace but my life is totally the opposite, till to this day I say God reach me. He watched me fighting all my battles by myself although he promised to fight for me, still I say God reach me.

I did everything in this world to satisfy other people’s desires instead of mine, I made sacrifices and till to this day they don’t see that. Killing myself is too easy for me, that’s why I don’t want to do that, I’m waiting for the day God reaches me and takes me home. I want to rest, I want peace, I want love and I want happiness but I guess that is too much to ask for. Bathi I soldier lifela empini, I guess I will die fighting.

My crown has fallen to the ground, I no longer see myself as a queen because I don’t think I deserve to be a queen. Iwile ikumkanikazi that’s all I can say, God reach me as I might be taking my last breath.