Painful isn’t it, to be in love with somebody you’re not sure you’re compatible with. To be at their mercy without them knowing it and to console yourself with the thought “at least we’re friends”. The feeling stops the heart, it crushes it.

It was like any other Thursday during the winter season, the memories of that day are vivid and trying to remember them would be summoning a headache. I’m sure it wasn’t bad though because I remember it got even better, she texted me, she wanted to see me, at last I’ll get to be around her.

I glanced at my phone with disbelief for what felt like a decade. See the problem wasn’t that I’m finally going to see her, it was whether I was ready to witness her beauty at a much closer view or not because we hadn’t met physically before, but you’d swear we knew each other from years ago whenever we’d chat.

Layla was her name… dark skinned, cute smile and views on life that always kept me on my feet. Like me, she was a mess, but a beautiful one. Nothing about her was average, to this day I still get perplexed as to how come she ended up talking to me to start with. I picked up my phone and I agreed to meet with her. I mean its just brunch, I’ll be fine, right…?

I spent the night tossing and turning, butterflies in my stomach and a heavy feeling on my chest wondering what she’d think of me, did I mention I was in love with her? She was the woman of my dreams but then again what do I know about love. The next day, Friday morning I got ready early to avoid being late “first impressions last” they said, and in my case it was vital, you know why. I had been talking to her on the phone when I made my way to the rank and because the weather became too cold, a movie date was decided upon and my destination changed to her place.

An hour later I was at her gate, I heard footsteps approaching and to my eyes surprise she instantly jumped at me and gave me a hug. “I hope this isn’t weird”, she said, “can you hold me tighter and carry me to the room?”, and I did. Fuck, she smells so good. Skin so soft, small waist and perfect hair. There’ no way she could’ve been real. When we got to the room, there was wine and weed. I picked out a scary movie and we indulged in the vibe as the weather became darker and darker. I felt…happy, a very foreign feeling that I didn’t mind having for that moment. As the plot of the movie escalated, she snuggled in closer and hid her eyes from the screen, it was so adorable, and I held her.

My heart started beating fast, I know I wasn’t supposed to be feeling like that but I couldn’t help it, I just couldn’t shake off the feeling. I continued holding her, ‘placed my head behind her neck to get her scent clearly. She smelt like lavender and another flowery scent I couldn’t quite put my finger on. I guess I got lost in the thought of trying to figure it out because I kissed her neck and before I could finish apologising she tilted her head and I kissed her neck once more, she started breathing heavy and she placed my hand on her boobs, there was no turning back.

Her lips tasted like wine and her soft moans as I traced my fingers on her body were enough to make me feel like I just entered paradise. Her body felt so warm, every part I kissed was warmer than the last and when I made it down her thighs, goosebumps filled her body and she put her leg on my shoulder. She tasted like guava cool-aid on a hot summers day and the more she pushed my head between her thighs, her body became lighter and her moans were louder. “Don’t stop”, she said gently as her legs spread even more, and within seconds of that request her legs started shaking and her fountain blessed my tongue. She kept me up half the night, but there’s no place I’d rather have been.

I cuddled her and held her tight, reality couldn’t let me sleep because I knew we were going to go back to being friends in a few hours when I leave, but I wanted to be more than that. Unfortunately, happy endings are limited in this lifetime and us? We didn’t get to have one. I think of her daily, I wonder if she thinks of me too because the difference between me and the girl she’s with now is that at least she had the guts to risk it all. I wish I did too when I had the time.