me when life ended

1987 16 February the end of the new era. first and foremost according to life cycle life was supposed to start the following month which would be march, not sure about the date probably would have been the 16th, who knows! but February it became which was the 8th month of the pregnancy. she gave birth early and she was young, 18 years and grade 10 she was at. 

the father was not present since he made it clear that he is not the father and went and moved on with life and had children. 

growing up life was not that bad being raised as the only child by the adoptive parents. mother was young and still at school so gave the child up. life carried on ok since the parents had a stable job each, household income, working class . 

growing up happened, was clothed fed and kind of loved , but there was a void from a very young age. it wasn’t clear what the course of this emptiness and longing to belong came from. it was very bizarre to feel like that. but the hole was to deep even from the young age. but life went. 

very pretentiously confident and very intelligent but un noticed. did good at school just above average and good in some extra activity. maintained good grades and we’ll mannered behavior. but deep down not good to a very suicidal behavior at a very young age, 12 years to be exact grade 6.

where did all the pain and anger come from.. probably from not being raised by the biological mother. some facts were stated, feeling of not being loved and abused by the mother. did the abuse really happen, still not known. what is it that was happening still not clear. the pain grew too deep to be hidden so much that the pretending was not there anymore. 

feeling of hate to self and despise began. self was not loved by self and seemed and felt like others too did not love. it is still unexplainable. tried school but that did not work but made the hole worse, tried mother hood but still nothing. 

where did it go wrong that even Christianity brought no change but made the hole deep. is there a cure can this be fixed. is it over. not clear. therapy did not work either. self hate is too deep. 

so it’s been 38 years but looks like and feels like the number is the only thing changing. the void is still as deep and young as it was the minute it started. when did it even start. still not clear. it’s just just a feeling really probably not even real, but it’s there and it has always been. very confusing. 

personally life can be ok if the effort to try is there. it can sometimes feel like happiness and some sort of belonging is there, but never really lasts. there is also fear and intimidation by other succeeding in the desired faculty. very strange it feels like destiny was meant to be darkness and stagnation like life is not there but death is also not visible , like the body is awake but spirit mentality is so dull almost to not existing. 

it makes one wonder untill when. is it a condition, can it be fixed, just not clear . days just go by with the same routine, wake and then feel lost and empty untill time to sleep, same thing everyday. 

dreams and desires are there though and they very beautiful and seem attainable untill they are not. life in the imagination is very different and fullfulingly beautiful to live, very successful and happy in imagination, loved , love and belong. definitely not real sometimes it would hit really bad that that beauty does not exist . 

in the imagination there is success, marriage and joy. there is hope for the future and the future looks promising until it’s not. day to day is basically always full of nothing real and beneficial , very sad. 

there is also the issues of identity, not knowing exactly where to fit gender wise, female but prefer female in terms of intimacy. is it really an issue or the feeling of not belonging pushing to try life differently or is it the course of the hole. was the confusion there at the young stage of life and something happened to shut that out of the system. did something not remembered or in the memory happen and was dismissed onto non existent. life feels like it should be investigated and deep looking back should be done . 

38 years with 15 years of nothing but strife, struggle and emptiness. being a mother is the only real thing happening, raising a 15 year old under strife and poverty due to lack of life. been unemployed for ever no money no goal no vision just imagination. never did anything in life no achievement what so ever, just 38 years of nothing. but now suddenly there is a desire to try, to wake up , to go, to do something, to dream, to want, to feel, to be. is it too late. can it be done. is it ok to believe or imagine that there is Me when life did not END. 

All that is required is a chance to live, revemp and try again.