Little did I know my life would forever change.

So you probably wonder what is going on here?? Ok it goes like this..

I’m a real plain Jane, a simple girl with ambitious and dreams but at the same time I’m not quite fortunate to make all my dreams come true. So dreaming is what keeps me going on through everything life throws at me. I willingly accept it all for one thing I do know for certain is that no situation is permanent. So smile cause no one will make you more happier than yourself. That’s what I use to tell myself all the time…

People use to say that there’s a fine line between love and hate but I never quite understood it all until I’ve experienced it myself.

I’ve been in a relationship for almost 5 years and like every other relationship there were ups and downs but still we stood by each other always supporting one another. We we both focusing on our careers to improve ourselves and creating a better future for ourselves so that in future our children may lack nothing. We were both working part-time and studying, me as a teacher and him as a male nurse.

As time passed we both graduated and started working full time. I just loved my life cause I was independent and my job was a real dream. We started planning to move in together and get a bigger house for we were moving to our next phase in our relationship. After 6 months of staying together we got married cause I found out I was pregnant and we didn’t want the baby to born out of wedlock. Unfortunately I had a miscarriage and it took us two years to try again cause I was so scared that it could happen again. I just never knew that sometimes your fear would became your reality and yes we conceived but again we lost our baby. I started to feel responsible for it all and somehow deference started to occur between us even the blame game started.

From doing everything together we ended up doing nothing for each other. Minutes of silence started to turn into weeks of silence and most of the time we were just living past each other, the most horrible time of my life. After a few weeks we gradually started to make up and tried to rekindle our love. We went on dates and tried our best to spent more time with one another talking, laughing, dancing and simply trying to get back what we once had and with time we did.

I believe our love was stronger cause we even prayed more and went to church services trying our best to always let God be our ruler in every situation and yes things looked good for us. We tried again and this time our baby was born as a healthy baby girl and she brought so much joy in our lives. We felt complete and our house was a home, a home full of peace, love, joy and happiness. After all the pain we’ve endure it felt like God had truly blessed us with all the happiness in the world. But like they say…. all good things come to an end.

My husband went to a year end function like every year but this time he was away for a few days without any calls or messages. Finally when he got home he was a different person, someone I could hardly recognize. So hell began…

He started working more hours and was constantly on his phone, our daughter and I was merely existing in his life. No more outing, dancing, laughing or spending time together, we didn’t even went to church services or pray together like we used to.

Yet still I believed God will intervene and give us a breakthrough, so I kept on praying and hoped for a blessing. Months went by and our situation went from bad to worse, he started beating me up and jump from 1 woman to another threatening to kill our daughter and I if I ever say a word to anyone. I kept num out of fear for my baby girls life cause in my life she was all that mattered.

Some bruises would heal while new ones would bleed and this pattern just didn’t seem to end. He made me quit my job and locked us up the whole time he was away. No friends, no family, no outing no nothing, according to him we had everything in our house so there’s no need to go out to the shops or even contact family and friends. I never imagined that this would be the life I would live but, unfortunately my future I couldn’t predict.

I tried to escape once or twice and had to face the consequences of his anger. This hostage lifestyle kept on going on for almost two years until I just couldn’t take it anymore cause this was definitely not the life I want or want me daughter to grow up in.

One specific night he come home and like normally I cooked his favorite meals and this time all that anger was burning inside of me, the love I once felt was no more it all turned into hatred. I prayed to God to keep me calm cause upon seeing him everything within me changed within seconds, a feeling I can’t explain. He started screaming and complaining again, insulting me and the food like he normally does but I just couldn’t take it anymore. My bruised body that ached with pain couldn’t take another slap or hit anymore. I turned my back on him insulting me and I was walking away but while walking my legs began to tremble, my hands started shaking and I was sweating and the hatred and anger burn more and more inside of me. I felt suffocated but this time none of it was fear…. just as I was about to enter the kitchen I could hear him getting closer and more closer. I grabbed the first knife I could get a hold of and turned around and stabbed him straight I the chest. While he was laying there struggling to breathe I stood there watching. I still can’t explain what crossed my mind but somehow I felt free… He who brought me joy and also brought me pain

I’ve love and I’ve lost