Grief…

Is a funny process. 

One minute, I find myself stuck amongst the cheerfulness of a smile, laughter or even a joke.

The next, I’m nestled in a bed of tears like an ocean accompanied by uncontrollable sobs.

I distract myself with every possible distraction, in order to numb the pain of loss but sadly, it only works for a little while. 

My smile fades quickly as the intrusive thoughts holds my mind hostage:

“Shouldn’t you be mourning, why are you smiling or even laughing?”

The mention of your name brings, joy, happiness and arouses love within my heart but at the same time, the mention of your name, bursts the grey cloud above my head into an impending storm as I’m drowned by my unhealthy emotions.

Before, I’m swallowed into sad depressive thoughts I grab hold of my sanity quickly, and reiterate:

Life is beautiful and therefore it shouldn’t be overcome by grief. The loss of a loved one is never easy or easily forgotten, but the air in my lungs and my pumping heart is evident that my time on the earth is not over yet. No matter how hard it may be, become or how difficult it is to bear, there is still a life to live and life goes on. With a greater purpose still left unfulfilled.

We all grief, and we do so differently for many different pains that Allāh has placed in our path. Truthfully, the dark alleys of grief is a very lonely , fearful and never ending journey of continuous emotions, going back and forth like a merry go round. 

“When does the grieving end? When am I allowed to be happy? Will it ever end, or will i just grow from it and with it or will I simply just learn to nurture it, like a dormant volcano?” I often think to myself.

I don’t fully understand this process and enigmatic term called “grief.” I suppose I never will, and I’m okay with that. The navigation between enjoying the ticking clock of life and the unestablished time of continuous mourning has me stuck in between grief. 

Just when I think I feel a little okay, like the me before disaster. The thunderous reminiscent pain of loss, like a powerful earthquake forces me to my knees, down to the ground. Everytime, like a destroyed house after a storm, I try to rebuild my happiness, grief inevitably catches up with me again.

But inevitably I have come to the realisation that it’s a pain that will never go away. It will slowly, silently and unknowingly stay with and become a part of me.

Although, grief is a difficult and lonely darkness, it’s not the end of the road. It can be the beginning of a beautiful path, one that leads to a better understanding of life, oneself, appreciation for simple things, and enormous gratitude for what your hand currently possess. It’s a journey that requires patience with your mental health, your support system, your environment, life and most importantly yourself

But it remains continuous, and I remain in between grief. So, therefore grief really is a funny process.