“I am glad you made it.” I say with a heavy heart looking at him. He leans against the wall with his hands buried in his pockets. “You look like you are carrying the world on your shoulders.” He is not moved by what I am saying. I signal for him to come and sit on the couch, he just looks at it disgusted.

Our couch is not in a good condition, but it doesn’t mean he should stand inside the house like that. 

“It is disrespectful to stand inside someone’s house like that, I don’t want to mention while an elder is present.” I say not looking at him, he is starting to get under my skin. He clears his throat and I hear his hills coming towards me, my heart beats fast and I don’t know why. Is it because I never stopped loving him or I fear him? He sits across me and gives me a stern look, I swallow this huge lump in my throat.

“What am I doing here Thembi?” he asks, that deep voice of his. I look down and fiddle with my fingers, there is a horse race inside my chest. I stand up real quickly and start pacing, I don’t know where to begin.

“You will make me dizzy. Sit down and tell me why am I here, I have come a long way please don’t waste my time.”

“Please meet my mother.” I point at where she is sleeping, my mother has been sleeping like that for the past three months. She suffered from stroke, it is really tough taking care of her. Every time I bathe her she just sheds a tear, my mother was the strongest person I knew and she would kill for me. It was just me who was a bad child, I never obeyed any of her instructions and now she cannot even utter a single word properly.

“Blessing, you never cared about me and it is clear that even now you still don’t care.” i swallow the lump again. “I asked you here to tell you that I was pregnant with your child.” I pause and wait for his reaction. 

“You have become so cold Bless, more than you were before. What is wrong, are those demons still troubling you?” I ask getting closer to him, as I try to cup his face he pushes me and gets up. He was very secretive even when were we dating, I know about the demons because every night I spent with him he would wake up panting and screaming.

“Are you done?” he asks that not even looking at me. I respond by saying no, he sighs and put his hands on his waist. 

“Do you remember our last fight?” he doesn’t respond, I only hear his breathing. “You gave me some really hard punches on my stomach, when you woke up and went to church I went past the clinic because I witnessed some bleeding. That is where they told me that I was having a miscarriage.” Ifeel my eyes burning immediately when I think about the whole incident and the pain I suffered. I am surprised that he doesn’t even show remorse, I gather myself and speak again.

“The baby is troubling me, his spirit is not at rest. He wants a naming ceremony and he complains of cold, so he must be bathed and clothed.” He chuckles and turns around. One hand on his waist and the other flying along with his swinging body, “And where is this child you are talking about?” he asks that and laughs a little. I didn’t know Stockholm really existed, but I now realise that I had that. I keep quiet trying to find a right answer that won’t make him leave.

“Firstly, you left me at my lowest…” I laugh, he pauses and looks at me irritated.

“Point of correction, I found you at your lowest and you didn’t even have any intension of picking yourself up.” This guy was very good at playing the victim and guilt tripping me all the time, on top of that I was also his punching bag and I saw nothing wrong with that but I wanted more of him.

“I just want you to please perform this ceremony for me, the baby wants to be introduced to your ancestors.” I plead.

“You are insane! Have you forgotten that I am a pastor? Why do you always have to drag me down with you every time my life seems to be at the pickup point?” He responds furiously.

I want to laugh so hard at that but I am also furious, my armpit itch. This guy destroyed me, he used me so hard that after he was done with me I was not wanted by anyone else. It’s like he left a smell inside me that chases away every man I try to get closer to.

“Should I remind you that you broke my virginity, you owe my family. But let us discard that for now, I ask you to please think of our child that is wondering in the wilderness with no clothes on and no name. I also have sleepless nights, sometimes I get afraid of falling asleep because I will see him. He has blood covering his body, he needs to be cleansed.” I am now crying, it hurts so bad I can’t even contain myself. I hear sniffing from my mother, she has woken up. I look at her and apologise with my heart. 

“You fell pregnant by yourself, you knew very well that our relationship was never serious and was never going to be serious. I was in a process of choosing a wife in my church, and you thought you should just trap me with a baby?” he talks as if he is saying a normal thing, I think his upstairs is no longer working properly. 

“I didn’t know that while you were having sex with me every single night even when I was crying of pain you were choosing somebody else to be your wife. You told me to stop family planning because the injection made me wet down there. Condoms were not your favourite, you didn’t even give me money for the morning after pills. What did you expect?!” I had promised myself that I was not going to show him my weakness, I thought I could hold my tears but now they are flooding and beyond my control. 

“I hope you have said what you called me here for, I have no help for you.” He says as he walks towards the door.

“Please!” I shout as I let out a loud cry. “Just this one thing and then I will be out of your life for good. Let us do this for our child, I am sure you will also have a direction in your life. These things can hold our lives back if they are left unsorted.” My face is full of tears and mucus, but I don’t care because my life is worse than that.

“I am a pastor who is a Christian, we don’t perform those things at home. You need prayers, that ghost you are seeing will go away. Go to church and repent.” He bangs the door after him and I feel the bang straight into my heart, it beats slowly after that and I collapse to the floor.