Hey! I hope you are doing pretty well, I missed you today. I wish we could’ve spoken more. But all in all, I am not okay at all. I’m writing this message to you as a farewell token to you. Sia look, you are a good person! I say that without doubt, and with pride too. You have stood with me through thick and thin, I’m forever thankful for that. Now! You know how my life has been like, I can’t continue living like this, and pain has traumatised me enough to cut ties with the living. I’ve tried my best and you have supported me more than my own parents have ever done so. I just don’t want to bother you anymore, I hate the fact that I have been a stressor to you, a pain in the neck. I hope one day you can find it in your heart to forgive my very own existence. I’m looking eye to eye with a rope hanging before my eyes. At least one thing I will leave and would have done is to apologise to you. I can’t fight it if you choose not to. I know you tell me every day that I have a lot to live for, but I feel like I’m only living for you right now. No one appreciates me at all and they hardly want me alive. 

I would understand it if someone else was making me feel such pain, but now it’s all those who were meant to be there for me. My own Mother looks at me with disgust in her eyes, saying that ‘If it wasn’t for me, she would have been somewhere in life. Her pregnancy at a young age was her biggest mistake, she wishes she would have killed me when I was still conceived!’ I mean as a parent, how can you say such words to your children!? Calling them a mistakes! My own father acts like it’s all okay when my mother says such words, knowing exactly that when I go into my room, he follows me with an unzipped trouser lingering for sexual abuse. I was always scared for my life, hence I couldn’t speak up to anyone except you. I truly hate my life, I don’t have the reason to live anymore. I can’t even fall in love with someone because I’m scared of them leaving me or worse mistreating me in the relationship. 

Telling you about my life problem was the hardest thing I did whereas I thought if I do, you were going to laugh at me and think I am not strong enough, just like how my best friend took it. Now I am a lonely wolf! She said to me ‘Did I ask for you to be treated like that, or is it my problem, I have a lot of my own situation(s) and I don’t want another stress from somebody else. Your dad is a man, and if he sees it fitting to do what he is doing then let him do so.’ With disbelief, I wanted to slap her! How can someone I’ve called ‘best friend’ for so long be this heartless? I was perplexed and depressed, I wanted to shatter everything I touch.

All in all, I thank you for standing and supporting me for this long. I know you had your own ups and downs but you took mine and made them yours without asking anything in return. Your kindness will forever be boldly written in my heart and I shall cherish it forever. Knowing you, I am sure u going to try to stop me, but this is my departure from this world. I hope you find peace as time passes. Thanks for the time and warm heart you gave me. But weeping every night and day is most tiring.

As I was answering back to this text, giving her all the reasons she should be alive. I took a look at the time difference, that’s when I knew it, that for the first time, I was LATE! The message was sent two hours ago. At that time, I was goofing with friends. And it made sense the paramedic unit that was passing around my neighbourhood. I said with a swift voice,

I hope the decision you made will cater for your smile and happiness I hope I could have done more to make you yearn to live for more. I failed as a friend, and as a brother to you. I will miss you a lot, your smile, you giggles. Although they were forced but I’m glad to have seen and witnessed them. Thanks for the time I’ll forever be grateful for it.

I shed tears, this was devastating to me. I am scarred for life. What did she do to the world that it had to be so cruel to an innocent soul? I pray for her life more than I pray for my happiness!