Mixing my infatuation, lust and curiosity for you. Swear there were a few moments were my heart bled when you started being open with me again. And just like that, I was dancing in your hands. Then it was back to fake promises and naughty chats. Everything that made us like each other. Finally your big belly was no more. You were a mummy. I wanted to meet you, hug you, feel everything we used to fantasize and talk about. But no. It was either your baby, or baby daddy. At some point I felt I was playing a losing game, and I truly was.
Hey Lover, Hey lover.
“Hey lover, Hey lover. This is more than a crush”.
I remember hearing this song the first time. I laughed because I thought this guy is dumb. Who is he to fantasise about someone else’s girl. Why doesn’t he just go and find himself a lover? I found the answer when it happened to me. I fell in love with someone else’s lady. The difference between me and LL COOL J was that I wasn’t watching from a distance. I was in contact with her. She wasn’t an arm’s reach away. But we have spoken before.
It was the wildest feeling ever. I’ve always known better than to talk to my crushes. The whole word “crush” was a bad word. Literally every time you crush on someone, your heart gets crushed. And funny enough, mine got crushed. More like cracked open. She was pregnant, heavily when we first spoke. For some reason, my eyes were glued to her face. Her sweet sweet angelic face. I almost puked now when I think I used to think dirty about her. But for the love of God, she was pregnant. We spoke for a little before she went back home. I was just traumatized by the fact she spotting a huge belly, almost ready to pop.
But to the beginning.
We grew up very close. She was a friends friend. As kids, we didn’t see much but the fun around life. As we grew older and distant, I began seeing less and less of her. But her sight literally made my day. Seeing her was like eating ice cream on a sunny day, after a walk in the scorching hot sun. She completed me.
But all the bad began when we started communicating. It was fun, making faking promises, and getting to know each other. It was fun, but for the fact that she was SOMEONE ELSES I wouldn’t help but not feel right. BUT I’M GONNA ENJOY THIS WHILE IT LASTS. I think this sentence helped me through a lot, but my soul wasn’t prepared for this ride.
“You’re bad for me. I really should stay away from you”. Those words from her hurt me to the core. I thought we connected. I thought we clicked. In the world full of different and better women, you were absolutely perfect. Why do you have to leave me behind. I swear tears flowed. What if I wasn’t afraid and came by earlier? What then? Would you have loved me? I really wanna know. But I put myself at ease. I’ve always loved putting my heart on my sleeves. I really hate it though.
Minutes. Hours. Days. Weeks. Months. I counted and I actually began forgetting about you. It’s hard removing a carving from the wall, but as they say, out of sight, out of mind. Too bad you can’t ignore big flashing illuminated wall carvings. Because she texted me back. Like what the hell girl!. I’ve put my heart at ease. I literally just made peace with the fact that I’ll never be yours, then you come around texting me. Worst of all you start doing all the things I love about you.
This went on for awhile until she said, “I’m leaving for a new place, far from here”. Hearing that kinda crushed me. It hurt so so horribly. But I was happy. I literally could feel her emotions. I could feel when she was passing by my street. It sucked, mainly because I had no assurance that she felt the same. I really had hopes that we’d actually do 1 of our fake promises. My favourite idea was cooking lunch together. I can’t believe I wanted to cook so badly, with her. She had this thing of making me forget she’s someone else’s boo, and I kinda hate it.
Like a druggie I was more then hooked. When she left for where ever, she soon disclosed that she’ll be living with her boyfriend there. To me, that was the closest thing to engagement. We still continued to chat. And everyday I got better and better. It’s almost like the distance added to the spice and honey that was so addictive.
Months later, it was getting ridiculous. We knew we shouldn’t but we did anyways. We talked almost daily. Sometimes I admitted that we should back off, sometimes she did. But the shock of my life was when she told me her man reads our conversations. To think, another dude reading all the embarrassing stuff I say to her. The love letters and occasional naughty pictures. When she said that, I felt weird, but there’s another feeling that rose with it. It’s like that feeling when you’ve beaten a guy up, then enjoy the view. A very weird feeling. This guy could tell his girl was in love with me. She told me about their every fight and squabble, but deep down, I hated being such a threat. I hated being someones second. It was like enjoying leftovers from the buffet. Too bad I was so hungry to a point where I didn’t care. We went on, despite her constantly fighting with him about me. I always wanted to be someones peace, never their reason for war. Guess I failed that objective.
One morning, as I texted her, I was surprised at the response. My instincts to me not to respond, but my balls, mind and stomach won. “We always fighting because of you bra. Please stay away. I am protecting her from me”. These words shock me, but when he said, “if you don’t stay away, you’ll cry for her. I’m so close to slitting her throat because of you”, I felt my soul cry, my mind shut down and instinct just numb. From here I’m powerless. I can’t protect her, not even check if she’s safe without drawing attention. For her safety, I had to stay away. No real man should do that. You can’t beat your “baby mama” to hurt another dude. That’s just so low. I had to stay away but with fear. “What is he doing to her? Is she okay? I hope she can recover”, I keep saying to myself. But I realised now that it’s not her who’s in love with me, but the other way around.