For months now, I have been contemplating on whether or not it would be beneficial for me to apply pressure on screen and word out my thoughts.

Have you ever broken up with your crush? What about being in a full-blown relationship with the person in question without their knowledge? All in the name of “We have just not officiated things yet.” Have you ever fallen in love with the idea of a person without getting to know the said person? What about being angry when you see them with someone else even though you are not together, the unfathomable nonexistent heartbreak. Come on, laugh with me.

Judge me all you want, but sometimes delulu really is the selulu

Here’s the thing, there really is no love story here. It only exists in my head, oh, so I’ve come to realize, bare with me. Years ago… I moved to a certain neighborhood around our close but not so close-knitted neighborhood. I was the new kid on the block, and as such fingers were pointed, heads were turned, and stories were fabricated, but that’s besides the point. I then noticed this guy around my area who seemed like me, to keep to himself. He had a small circle of friends and did not talk much. To this day, I still do not know his name.

I know…one might say I’m stalling, but he plays a very important role in this whole ordeal. I did not bother to learn any information because I did not think our wires would ever cross, and it remained that way for a good amount of time. One day, we found ourselves in the same science class back in college, but still, we never uttered even a single word to one another. We knew of one another, but we did not know one another, I would assume.

One morning, I was walking with my mom and the man in question was walking towards us, well…in the direction we were coming from. I then asked my mom if he was the guy she had been talking about a few weeks prior. She had mentioned a guy who had asked for her advice around our area. He matched the description, complexion, physique, and all. I looked up only to find this man staring at me, and no, it was not because he heard what I said. We had been conversing in a different language so there was no way he could’ve heard.

I looked at him and carried on with my journey, thinking it was a once off thing. Prior to passing one another, I felt an urge to look back only to catch him staring still. Silly me who usually does not take things too seriously, started to giggle and he looked away. A week or two later, the universe, I suppose, decided to shoot its shot, and we ran into one another at a street corner. Funny enough, there was no one but just us too. How was that for an instigation? He could hardly breathe, and I found it adorable to say the least. No, hi, no wave, nothing…it was as though I was walking around with a sign that said Tsena ga e lome! it was ridiculous but cute. Later on the same day, I had to go someplace that required me to pass by his house first, and that’s when the beginning of vitamin K consumption commenced.

He popped from the small crowd of guys that were sitting and drinking. He couldn’t have caught me in the worst possible time. I was in a hurry and as much as he asked for just a few moments of my time, I couldn’t even afford him that because I was already over thirty minutes late, of which I tried to tell him that I was in fact in a hurry but…due to what I identify as insecurities he had what seemed to me as disappointment, infused with anger, laced with alcohol. Yes, liquor courage was at play, but I could not spare a second longer, so I kept moving.

Days, turned to weeks, weeks turned to months, you know the drill. Operation stare at Katlego was still very much active. I would catch him staring, and when I looked at him, he would look away, and the circle would continue without fault. Dare I to walk in the direction of where he is, he would disappear without a trace. One time he was not as fast, though, because he tried to walk away but was caught by an invisible yet undeniable magnet between us two. We found ourselves staring in each other’s eyes, and he slipped in his house as fast as his feet could carry him. Since then, it has become an unspoken silent language that only we understand even though the people around us can tell that the communication channels are open.

In a nutshell. All he ever does is stare and run away from me to the point that his friends started making fun of him whenever I walk by, I know… I know…it’s giving Rocky loves, Emily! lol the thing that brought me to this point is the fact that it’s getting out of hand or it may be too late because he has opted to making me jealous via saying hi if not talking to girls in my presence and make it a point to ignore me. The sad part is I know why he is doing it but it’s also annoying and frustrating ’cause Sir, what do you want me to do? I could approach him even though he runs away from me but this is already tedious and whenever I tell myself that I’m done with this odd connection, we find ourselves a few feet from one another and the movie continues.

One might say, why not just approach him anyway? As much as I can, it wouldn’t have the same effect as being court, for me. I opted for giving him hints through smilling and giggling to show a light-hearted demeanor, but that too is being perceived in a negative manner. I can’t help but wonder if he even likes me or is just an awkward man who does not even realize that he is piercing my soul with his eyes half the time.