2023 is the year I had planned many things for, not just things but good things and including loving myself to the point everyone asks how you do it. I never wished to date this year because I know how dating is nice and also hurtful. I hate it when my heart is broken because of LOVE. Let me tell you my story.

This year the plan was not to date at all but do me and school throughout the year. Unfortunately my feelings, heart & mind they sort of and kinda betrayed me.

January I was single and happy and didn’t even wanna associate myself with things that include boys. I was so focused and I liked it immensely.

February, the month of love! This month was the month I felt like I need love. I just felt like there was a void that needs to be filled not just filled but filled with love. Here the problem starts, rules are starting to be broken. I suddenly had a crush on a grade 10 guy. I tried to avoid that feeling but whenever I could see him my heart would just beat faster. I didn’t even try to warn my heart instead I went with the flow, and it felt nice.

March, feelings grew & grew to the point I couldn’t even hold myself back and think straight instead I kept going with the flow. I started dropping hints for the guy. Whenever I see him I would smile and greet him, it all started like that. Then I saw he was also enjoying it when i greet him. Okay cool. Oh I haven’t lost focus on my school work, no! I’m still doing good, yeah. There was this day I just went to him, I introduced myself to him and also did and we had a nice time at school getting to know each other and his energy said it all that he’s into me. So whenever we would see each other we weren’t just greeting only we would greet each other and then ask questions like “how’s your day so far?” And everything. This month on the 10th 2023 it was Friday after school so the guy walked me home, we really had a nice time together, I was so happy and he was also happy I just could see through his eyes. So then while walking along the way he had to turn because I was almost home so we stood there a little the he looked deep into my eyes and I was shy he said “I love you Sesethu” I just couldn’t answer him, I don’t know why I just smiled, while I be smiling he came close and held me then we kissed I just couldn’t believe it I was so happy. We started then dating.

Everything was nice and we were happy we would spend time together at school when we’re free from our classes, we would have a nice time he would check up on me now and again and I also did that and I fell in love just like that.

April, no arguments no nothing it’s still that warm & new relationship we loving each other left, right & center. He would tell me everyday that he loves me and I shouldn’t mind what people say about us yena he loves me. After school he would accompany me home and kiss me, he didn’t mind whether who’s coming or not. He would kiss me in front of other pupils and that just made me feel confident that I’m really loved.

May, the month of writing exams (term 2 exams oh forgot to tell i did well term 1) is approaching and I had no much time to give him I would see him once or twice a week because I was busy with school. But I made sure whenever I’m free I’d go check on him and chill 5 minutes then leave and go to class. Seconds, minutes, hours, days & weeks went I started having a weird feeling about my boyfriend. He now never bothered himself to check up on me and I just let that slide I thought it was just a feeling. No man this thing kept growing my guy he became distant, he wasn’t cheating instead he would just be with his Friends the whole day at school and if I went to him he would just wanna be with his friends. So I didn’t want that to sink it in, I just asked myself that ‘isn’t me the problem that I ain’t giving him much time?’ But at the end of the day he must understand that I have to study and I did by all means to show I still care. Okay we started having arguments and they were hurtful but what I like about him is if he would see I wanna cry (at school) he would hold me close and apologize and wipe my tears and tell me how much he loves me. But still he kept being distant then I thought maybe he needed time then I became distant too.

June, we have started writing exams everything is just abnormal I just lost my perfect old guy and got a strange one. It was awkward whenever I’m with him, after school we would walk together but still those kisses were gone, no kisses now the only thing I hear is the meaningless ‘I love you’s’. We wrote our last paper on the 14th of June 2023 and after school we were walking together as usual but it was tense so he promised that on the 16th June he’s gonna come and see him, but before saying that he asked whether I got plans on the 16th June? I said no, then he said i should consider myself having one, he’s gonna be my plan, okay okay I got to smile after a long time when he said that, okay.

Then it’s the 16th of June, I cleaned the house cooked and ate then took a long hot bath then looked good for my man the time was 10:30am I was expecting his call or text (sms or whatsapp) around 12pm. He was offline I just told myself maybe he’s out of data he’s gonna call okay cool. I chilled 11am passed it was 12pm I was still cool, it passed. It was 13pm no call, 14pm no call, 15pm no call, no text no nothing I fumed I tried SMSing him no response, I called it was off. Yoo my bliss just dropped, not to mention my hyper energy dropping from 101% to 1%… I just didn’t want you hurt myself I just took off my clothes and wore my pyjamas and went to watch TV and I ate my favorite snack, it was 18pm still nothing, I listened to my favorite genre hiphop as always I be rapping and dancing just to get him off my mind I did that till 20pm, still no call & the phone was still off okay. I ate and went to bed, immediately when I got in bed I just couldn’t help it I cried! Cried, cried till I stopped and I didn’t call or text him I was just quiet. I then told my friend that he stood me up then my friend told me that he was at the party and everything, I was so hurt but I said it’s fine.

On the 18th of June I texted him “hello” on whatsapp and it ticked once so he had no data then two days later i saw he blue ticked me, I was hurt and I even regret why I texted him. Then I also went quiet.

July on the 6th I texted him an sms to be online if he has data then on whatsapp I said “hello with a heart” then he wasn’t online I guess he had no data. The following day he blue ticked me, wow I was so hurt and kinda expected it, then I just wrote ‘nevermind I ever texted’ still he was offline till today the 14th of July.

I don’t wanna lie I miss him so much, yes he did bad things on me but still I wanna give him a second chance but he’s pushing me away. I just wish he knew how much I love him. I wanna let go but I just wanna see if I give him a second chance will he screw up again ? My everyday prayer is that I wish he comes back to me so we could mend things and continue where we left. Currently it feels and seems like he doesn’t want anything to do with me, I did nothing wrong but I’m the one running after him, ain’t nobody gonna understand how I feel about him. But if you ever fell deep in love you gonna relate. Otherwise I’m expecting anything from him, a disappointment or anything I’m ready to tackle it. I just want him to say it out to me that he’s done with me so I could accept, heal & forgive. Period & peace you guys.