BED REGRETS

Once upon a time when I was happily in love. I knew love, but never knew pain existed like this because of it. ‘Pain was like a distant family member whom only appeared when there was a funeral and then disappeared the following week’. That’s how IN LOVE I was – sadness came and go, but love ‘mostly’ stayed.

The time is 02:22 17 November 2023, in bed, next to the someone I never knew I could end up not being in love with anymore. But that’s not the reason I’m writing this. My heart bleeds and my head aches as I’m typing this because I never imagine she’d be the reason I start writing again. I’m looking at her face as I type, it’s beautiful. It’s been very long since I looked at her, like really looked at her – I SEE her, just like the first day I met her. I can hear and feel her breath on my neck because she’s a hand away from me. This is how we always slept together. I guess it’s old habits. Her breath is warm, so warm that it could burn away this pain I’m currently suffering from… I want to say this, something that is out of context. “You always relies you NEED someone when they don’t WANT you anymore”. I’m saying this because, this is our end but I so wish it could be our beginning – hope that makes sense.

Back to context. She’s laying flat on her stomach with her legs stretched out and I’m on my back. At the bottom of the bed her foot is touching mine [smh], and I would do anything to keep it that way, but I know that’s wishful thinking because she’ll shift position in a few minutes. This is funny, she just did, slightly shifted though. Her head is now facing the other way, her lower body against me, and her foot is still there – I’m glad. This year is our third year. And it’s weird because we met 3 years ago this month. This is our anniversary month, and things are the way that are: what a sad full-circle. Damn! I’m back at it, having BED REGRETS. I’ve always compared my former girlfriends with an ex I had, saying there’s no one like her because I felt I never met anyone who could be better and different than her, but I was mistaken. You see with this one here, the one next to me, she’s TOTALLY different, way off from the usual bunch. She’s the greatest thing I’ve Ever… Ever… Ever… Ever had, will probably ever have because I… I mean she made a diamond out of me. I could say I was gold before, but I’m something more than that because of her.

I know I’m not saying anything straight right now, but that’s how my mind is currently. I just wanted to write down my thoughts. But all I can say is, we’re breaking up and it’s sad. Mostly because deep down with all the anger, tension and frustration there is I still love her. Things are the way they are because of me, and they’re are not so easily fixable, if they are to begin with. I know some might say “fight for what you love” but I don’t think it’s possible. Some things are just meant to be left alone. She said a couple of days ago “I think we need space, so we can figure out if we really need each other”.That was my only window to try and see if there’s anything I could say or do, to change our situation. She gave me hope, something I could work with, something I didn’t deserve, yet she still gave it to me – I blew it! I guess writing this, is my way of trying to alleviate the heartache that I’m about to have when she’s truly gone. I assumed the phrase of “there’s a first time for everything” ended a long time ago because of my experience in relationship, but she was like “hol’ up, you haven’t met me”. Mxm, I’m sick of this, sick that Im unable to fight for her. She gave me the world, and I went out and looked for other planets.

To end this, I love you, I really do. Please be safe from everything outside. I’ll be there when you need me because you’ve always been there when I really needed you, I promise. Know what you want before going all in – I guess I’m to blame for that. “Not all that glitters is gold” remember that . Please make sure you follow your dreams and not allow anyone to say otherwise. Don’t let responsibilities be your downfall. And let not my lack of love be the reason you don’t love anyone anymore. You have so much love to give, I’ve experienced it first hand.

Cool, bye.