IS THERE ANOTHER YOU?

Is there another you?

I’m here all alone, again… In the dark, just me and my thoughts, thinking about you. It’s been years that we been separated but the pain still feels new. I’m not sure why, but it does. I remember the time you said “it’s over for good”, it feels like it was said yesterday. Well, maybe it’s because I can’t seem to get you out of my mind and heart. Everything I do seems to take a turn and remind me of you. “Did you perhaps poison me?”. I think I need an antidote now because I can’t take it anymore.

Your name still lingers in my mind. Wherever I go I talk about you. It’s not like I get to a place where’s there’s a crowd of people and start blurting out your name or ‘our story’… NO!. I’m not that kind of a person. And also it’s never a bad thing. It’s those moments where I’m with a friend, a close friend, and we decide to escape reality a bit and reminisce on the good times we had – specifically the person whom we really loved. Sometimes it’s under the influence of alcohol or a blunt. I most probably bore people with my story about you because I talk nonstop – there’s no end to the things I can say about, that’s why. I’ll tell people about the time you laughed at me on our first outing: where I was shy to eat in front of you, to eventually ending up gulping food like an animal. Even the time where you tried to sing and I’d cheer for you, whilst pretending as hard as I could to not tell you you can’t sing – but I didn’t because I loved that you were open and comfortable to sing for me. Also the times where we got lost together in search of certain places. It was never awkward because our relationship was never based on the things you should know or the experience one should have, in terms of a relationship.

We’ll throughout everything and the years passed, I’ve tried dating again. It wasn’t the same. I know people say “you’ll get over that person, because times heals”. You know what I think? I think ‘time’ is the worst hospital in the world because the scars are still visible on me. I’ve dated about 3 people after you, but they just didn’t have what you had; Outings (dates) wasn’t the same – it was always planned. And when we got there, nothing was ever spontaneous. We were serious, constantly talking about future endeavors, or STRICLY romantic. But with you it was different. We would childishly eat pizza while simultaneously laughing at the fact we’re the only black people in the restaurant – that’s still funny. Everytime I met one of my exes I hope she’d be like you. By that I mean, I’d make a joke (one you used to laugh at) and hope they’ll get it. They never did, only laughed because I laughed. I laughed because you found my joke funny.

I’d turn the volume up of a certain song you liked, and I’d sing along whilst imitating your singing voice. They sang along because it’s a typical trending song. I just got bored easily with everyone after you, honestly. They liked different things, things that I wouldn’t get used, not because I’m not trying the relationship. It’s just that they wanted things that society wanted – and I didn’t want that. In our relationship we respected each other’s opinion and always found a way to work with them… Well some of them. Oh, I forgot to tell you about the intimacy with these exes. Jeez! That’s the first time I’m using that word, which should mean it was bad. If you consider sex a casual thing then normally it wasn’t bad, but passionately it was the worst. The sex was forced, like we were paid to have sex with each other. No foreplay. The little foreplay there was, was just not it. I just got bored with everyone.

I miss you. I don’t think I was made for anyone but just you. You’re really the story of my life. I regret not fighting hard enough for us. Damn! I hate these moments of regrets. I hope you still miss me too. I still love you with my whole heart, I really do. I can’t blame you for disappearing because I messed up. But there’s one question I have when I’m tackling life’s obstacles, or let me say, being caught up with reality. IS THERE ANOTHER YOU?