His cries fill up the room. I look at his hands and they are clenched in tight fists. I know he is hungry. I pick him up and try to calm him down while the kettle is boiling. He starts to arch his back and now his cries are piercing. I put him down and unplug the kettle to make him a bottle so he can feed. I take the bottle and put it in a jug of cold water to cool down. Once the bottle is warm enough, I take him in my arms and feed him. He drinks the milk like he has never been fed before. Oh my poor baby! He fills up his tummy and stops sucking the bottle. He is full! He starts cooing and falls asleep shortly afterwards. I smile sadly and put him down on the bed and then I cry.

I cry because I am a very young mother but mostly I cry because I doubt that I will be a good mother. I try to stop these kind of thoughts from creeping inside my head but I can’t. Falling pregnant was never my intention, especially at age 22 and when I was unemployed and studying but I had to accept that things were not going to change. My social status has changed. I am someone’s mother. Someone who will depend on me for everything and anything. I had to pull up my socks and act accordingly. Damn! Being a mother is not easy. Not easy at all. Not what you will imagine. There is one question always recurring in my head and it gives me anxiety. Moshabi, will you be a good mother to your son?

Sometimes I think I can’t deal with being a parent. My son is only two months old but I am already overwhelmed. Because I think of what I will teach my son. Will he be a well raised and good kid? Will I be able to provide him with everything he needs? Will I be there for him? And most importantly will I give him the love he deserves? 

Don’t get me wrong. I love my son with my whole being. He is a part of me now. A part I never thought I needed but I just can’t shake this feeling of being inadequate for my son. I know most parents feel that way and that with parenting you have to take it one step at a time. No one is ever prepared for being a parent, no matter how ready you are for a child. With parenting you learn along the way. Sure mistakes will happen but that’s what makes us human. I just hope that my son knows that everything I do, I do it for him and that I will try to be the best mother for him and he will be proud of me one day. A shout out to all the mothers out there who are doing a terrific job at raising their kids. Know that you are not alone.