“The realisation of his absence left me resentful. I always felt he prioritised his marriage and his wife’s feelings more than mine.”- That’s the tough truth about fathers in South Africa.

In the lives of South Africa’s youth, a growing void is being experienced – the absence of fathers. This societal wound, as revealed by the Human Sciences Research Council, is alarmingly prevalent, with 60% of children not being raised with their biological fathers and a mere 20% having contact with them more than twice a week.

This painful truth is thinly veiled in the Twitter joke, “My father went to buy milk.” What might appear humorous conceals a deeper sorrow: the decision by a parent to be absent, leaving a gap that no jest can heal.

At 13, Naledi, now 23, from King William’s Town, felt the full weight of her father’s absence. To shield herself, she built walls, pretending his choice not to be there didn’t affect her. But it did. His first visit as a teenager shattered her illusion. Her life, framed by the presence of her grandmother, mother, aunt, and siblings, suddenly felt incomplete. It was a painful awakening to a reality many South African youths face – a life marked by the void left by absent fathers.

During our conversation, Naledi expressed that I was prompting her to face her traumas, as this was something that she had blocked out for the longest time. “My mother and father were never married. However, he is married and has a family of his own. The realisation of his absence left me resentful. I always felt he prioritised his marriage and his wife’s feelings more than mine”. She continued, “I had feelings of not being worthy of love, that I’m not enough”.

The responsibility of fathers in this scenario cannot be overstated. It’s deeply concerning how some fathers can knowingly inflict trauma and feelings of inadequacy on their children by their mere absence. It’s a serious issue – fathers need to step up. Ignoring the emotional needs of your child and prioritising everything else? That’s inexcusable. Haibo!

On top of resenting him, she felt bitter toward herself for caring for a man who didn’t care for her when it was his duty. She has now decided to accept things for herself; however, experiencing this as a child has strained her as a young adult. “I struggle to form and maintain relationships with people. I also don’t trust easily and fear abandonment and rejection”. On top of that, she mentioned, “I am hyper-independent and constantly require assurance.”

Fathers impact their daughters’ personal lives, inventiveness, sense of power, confidence in themselves, and feelings of worth. So, when that is not present, it leaves the lens very distorted – to one’s detriment – even though it may seem beneficial, such as hyper-independence, where one relies on oneself entirely even when support and assistance are necessary.

Girls! Hang tight because the trauma rollercoaster is one you can not quickly get off of. The emotional and mental trauma that comes with an absent father will present itself in different ways – as we’ve read with Naledi.

In closing, I want to end with something beautiful that Naledi shared, “Growing up without a father can be hurtful and painful. Try your best to work on your self-esteem. Seek counselling or a mentor to help your emotions not build up to the point where it consumes you. Lastly, ensure you lead a life that makes YOU happy and fulfils you. Not one that is meant to prove a point to your absent father that you are capable.”

Tell us: What impact has growing up with an absent father had on your life, and how have you navigated the challenges it presented? We’d love to hear your personal experiences and insights!