“Sorry,” his voice said from behind me. But it was drowned by my loud cry. I had screamed at the top of my lungs and now I was just standing there.

I waited to be grabbed again. But nothing came.

I opened my eyes, to find an old man standing in front of me, shocked.

“Sorry sesi, ni lahlekini, sorry miss, I’m lost,” he said in a calm, shaky voice. “Ani kombela uni komba ka Thandanani, could you show me where Thandanani is?”

I was relieved, I breathed out loudly. Feeling so relieved, that maybe I shall live to see yet another day, I replied,”Niya kona, I’m going there.”

Walking home that evening I realised that I had no control over what would happen in my life. Only God knew when I would die and how it would happen. I must somehow accept that.

I came to a decision that it would be best if I drew up a will. So I gave my mother her change without a word and went to my room. I took out a book and started writing out my last will and testament.

“No one should mourn my death; they should rather celebrate my death because it’s not like any of them liked me being alive. No one should touch my belongings, claiming to ‘get some sort of closure’. And the only person who can at least touch my belongings as well as read out my will is Lebogang…”

My mind went to Lebogang. She was the one who helped me to see the light because if it weren’t for her I would still be thinking everyone cared whilst they didn’t. But then again, if Lebogang hadn’t told me about her spooky dream, my life wouldn’t be such a living hell. My mind was racing.

Maybe she was as miserable as I was; being tormented by what she saw in her vision. It must be tough being a psychic, I thought, having to tell people all those bad news. Maybe visiting her would be good for me, she was the only person who could understand what I was going through.

When I arrived at her home the next day, I was stunned that she was so well cleaned up. She was sitting in front of the TV, clearly enjoying the view and nothing seemed to be bothering her, as I had thought.

“Hey there, Miss Psychic Lebogang,” I greeted.

“Oh, wow hey Nkhensani. Didn’t expect to see you so soon,” she said with a smile.

I might’ve misinterpreted but I was sure I heard her right? Did she know I would coming to see her today or did she mean something else? I looked at her trying to figure out what her psychic mind was thinking. That just made me mad.

“You thought you would be attending my funeral by now, Lebogang?” I said rudely.

“Oh so this is what this visit is about?” she said snapping her fingers.

“Oh no, Lebogang! It’s about how you and your dream messed my life before it even began!” I shouted.

“But then I never really messed up your life Nkhensani, you’re doing a good job yourself,”

“I’m doing a good job? How can you even say that? My life’s a mess, only because of you and your stupid little dream,”

“So if it’s so stupid, why does it seem like it has messed you up big time?” she asks clearly seeing the dark rings under my eyes. “Now I see why even your best friend left you,” she says giving me a dirty look.

“Word of correction, ‘Miss know it all’, she didn’t leave me, I left her since you and your dream made it perfectly clear I will be gone very soon,” I yelled some more.

“Oh please, don’t make it my problem if you have come up to a conclusion that you will be gone in a few days,” she said. “Well it seems you let this whole thing define you so…”

“Define me? How could you? How could you have the nerve to say that, knowing very well you’re the reason for my misery?” I ask her.

“No, no. no Nkhensani you doing all this to yourself; not me,” she says rudely. “I still don’t get how any of that concerns me, Nkhensani” she says.

“It concerns you in every way. You’re the one who brought this curse into my life.” I shouted getting closer to her.

“So then what do you expect me to do about this”, she asked.

I lost it and slapped her, right across the face. But it wasn’t hard enough.

“Slapping me won’t help a bit,” she said rubbing her cheek.
I just stared at her in disgust and headed for home.

When I got home I started crying. Back in the day Amu would’ve been there to comfort me, but now I was alone – alone with no one to comfort me. I really missed my friend; she always knew what to say but I suppose being away from her was what was best for the both of us.

Finally in early hours of the evening I manage to stop crying. I was still mad as hell, though. Lebogang had a nerve. How could the one person who brought this rape nightmare into my life, be the same person to mock me?
If she, the creator of this curse, didn’t understand what I was going through, then who will?

Going over to her place didn’t mean I went to pick up a fight with her but when she said she didn’t expect to see me so soon I just lost my cool, what did she mean by that? That she expected me to be dead by now?

This was the time I dreaded most; the silent nights of summer. They lead me to think and question myself over and over again. I never really had a good life yet I was to face the one thing that would end my life. At 15 years of age, I never thought I would be declaring my life over.

“One day I will be someone, I will leave a mark in this world!”

My motto, which I had vowed to live by, lay cold on the paper of my book cover. Now, it will all go down the drain? I had been working so hard, draining my energy, and all for what?

Sad that I get to die, a nobody, and all of my dreams being shattered.

***

Let’s chat: What do you think of Lebo’s attitude?