“Ha ha ha, you’re joking right?” my best friend asked, laughing at my face.

I just stared at her and said nothing. She was my best friend since childhood so she should know me best. She could tell that I was pissed; I was glaring at her. Her face turned serious too.

“But you’re not joking are you?” Amu asked.

“And to think you out of all people would understand,” I said feeling as if my heart was being squeezed from my chest.

“What do you mean by that, Nkhensi?”

“Wativa iyin Amu, nikombela kuri uhambana namina, you know what Amu, please leave me alone,”

“Fine, I’ll leave you alone,” she said turning around.

“By the way here’s your little promise of everlasting friendship,” I throw at her the half necklace we exchanged to each other years ago.

“What’s this? Is our friendship over Nkhensi?” she knew what it meant.

“What do you think?”

“But why? Why do you have to abandon me like this? You’re the only form of a friend I have… please don’t do this to me… I need you, Nkhensi,” Amu begged.

“Oh wow, you need me? But when I confided in you, you laughed in my face? Now you need me?” I ask her with such rage.

“I’m so sorry Nkhensi, I didn’t mean to laugh, I thought you were joking,” she pleaded with me not to end our friendship.

“Too little too late,” I said opening the door for her. “Our friendship is history,” I said.

I could see that my friend was really hurt by what I did. She walked away upset and crying. It’s not like I care anyway, I thought to myself as I closed the door.

This story is mine, mine only; and sharing it with people doesn’t help one bit, I rebuked myself when I was alone again. No one will ever sympathise with me, let alone understand what I feel or go through. Again, for the second time that day, I cried.

What was I thinking? That everyone would just understand how afraid I was because of a dream? How could I be so stupid; to trust anyone – even my friend. The only person I can trust and rely on is no-one but myself, I comforted myself.

People were just disappointing me every day. I always thought a friend was the closest family one could have, but now Amu was nothing but some random girl I would see every day. She meant nothing to me anymore. To me she was dead, buried and forgotten.

Maybe ‘abandoning’ everyone in my life is what I needed, I thought. It would be easier for them to forget about me if it happens that I die after the ‘ordeal’. But to be honest, I hoped I do die too because it would be much better to die than to live with a scar that will forever be part of me.

I hated myself for doing this but it was the only way I could figure out how to deal with people around me. It was just a matter of time before I was buried and the thought of being with them today, knowing I might be gone tomorrow, killed me.

And what would happen if I didn’t die? If somehow I survived, and had to live with this for the rest of my life? The entire neighbourhood would never stop talking about it. I would be the centre of every single soft chattering in the circle of gossip girls. Boys wouldn’t even look at me twice. No, it was better this way.

So I had lost the two people I loved the most in the world. I had nothing to live for anymore. I was glad that all this was during school holidays. I don’t know how I would’ve handled it if I had to go to school every day.

Until one evening when my mummy needed change for taxi fare.

“Nkhensi, please go get me change at Thandanani,” she said as we sat in the living room.

“No! Rulani!” I said shouting as if she said something wrong.

“Did you just call me by name, Nkhensani? Did you just say no to me?” she asks.

“Why don’t you send Khani? You always send me,” I said cheekily.

“Do what I’m telling you or else…” she said with a threatening tone.

I grabbed the money from her and did as she said. I was now scared – what if the day I feared the most has finally come? What if this is my last day alive? Oh God, I’ve never been this afraid in my life, I kept praying as I walked out.

Walking in the cool of the night, in the dark streets of Freedom Park, I felt someone behind me. I almost cried when I turned to see it was a man. I started to walk faster and faster, but he too was walking faster. I was convinced that the day had come for me to say my last goodbyes to this world. It’s a pity I will die without accomplishing any of my goals.

The one thing that kept going through my mind was how was I going to die? Will he rape me and strangle me? Or rape me and stab me to death?

As I was thinking these thoughts I noticed that my pace had gotten slower. This had helped him to catch up with me. I could feel him; he was a stretch of an arm away. If I looked over my shoulder I would turn right into his face.

“God, forgive me for all the wrong I’ve done. Welcome me in to your arms…” I said my last prayer. His hand was on my shoulder.

I screamed.

***

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