Staring at the roof didn’t help and neither was boiling my feelings inside, it was like I was dying already. I needed something; something that would help me got out of this cage of being alone. I really do need someone to talk to, I thought. Knowing that God won’t laugh at me, I decided to pray:
Kneeling down, sounding hopeless and crying like I’ve never cried before, I prayed.
“Dear God, I know you’re listening. You are my saviour and protector, but why does it feel like You’ve abandoned me? Like You don’t care about me anymore? What have I done wrong? Is it Your way of punishing me? Lord, have I wronged anyone in a way that being raped is Your way of disciplining me? Oh Lord, the thought of being raped is enough punishment. God, please give me a second chance,” I carried on crying more and more.
“God I have nothing, yet to be punished this way? There are some bad people out there but they don’t get punished. Lord, why me? Please God I plead with You to give a second chance please. I don’t want to be raped; it will be my end. After all those years dreaming I’ll be someone one day; will they go down the drain? I get to be punished and my dreams shattered? Please God, help me. Amen.”
It was the longest prayer I could recall making in my life time.
For the first time since this whole saga invited itself into my life, I found myself being able to close my eyes and sleep. As I got deeper and deeper into sleep, all I heard was what Lebogang’s voice saying ‘Don’t let this whole thing define you,’ carrying on to say, ‘…that’s why even your best friend left you…’
That morning I woke up with a thought: What if she was right? What if I really brought this whole thing to myself? How could I abandon everyone in my life? Maybe they really cared but I was too busy pushing them away to notice. Do I really want to die without anyone beside me? How could I be so selfish? Who am I? What have I become? Why do I have so much hate filled in my heart? How is it that I hate myself that I can’t even stand myself? Was it really the dream or was this my own excuse of hating myself? – well, maybe I woke up with a couple of stringed thoughts.
Maybe I do really do deserve to die, I thought – I was such a horrible person to myself as well as the others surrounding me. I needed to make things right between myself and my friend before it’s too late. It would be better if I died knowing my relationship with her was in good terms.
Morning came and it was the first time, in a long time, that I saw morning blossom and the feeling was great: greater than great. I felt good, new and refreshed.
On my way to Amu’s house I came across a young boy of about 12 years of age. I knew this kid from the neighbourhood; he never spoke to anyone since he moved to Freedom Park after both his parents died in a car accident.
“It’s nothing but a dream,” he said as he passed me.
I thought I had just made it up, so I turned to him, “What do you mean?”
But unfortunately he was long gone.
Wow, I knew it was sign. Had he come sooner he would’ve saved my life.
Finally I got to Amu’s house and she wasn’t very glad to see me. I blame couldn’t blame her.
***
Tell us: Do you believe in signs? What sign have you asked for and did it happen?