It has always been a dream of mine to get married because of the unstable family I grew up in. It meant a lot to me to have babies and love someone the way the Bible tells us to and not the way my father did my mother, controlling and abusing her as though her feelings didn’t matter. I was going to be different and better and that is why I asked my uncle to arrange a marriage for me because I had failed to find someone to love and cherish on my own. I have just always loved the wrong people as my mother always reminded me. She was overjoyed when she found out I have decided to get married to the right person.

The clouds have revealed the sun so it is supposed to be warm, but is winter so the sun doesn’t have that much of an effect. I have chosen to meet him here because this is where we first saw each other, I had been doing laundry and he was here to watch his flock drink from the river. I am looking in all directions for him, anxious because as unlikely as it is for him to say no, it is still a possibility after what I did. He eventually shows up with a neutral face, I guess he didn’t want to come.

“After so many years Qaqamba, now you decide to tell ask your uncles that you want to marry me? I don’t buy your story, so you may start by explaining to me why you suddenly want to marry me.” Beside me stands Dalindyebo, who is livid because he asked for my hand in marriage five years ago and I didn’t agree.

“Will you stop pacing up and down, please? Anyone could pass by, and I don’t think you want them to overhear us,” I hiss as I figure out how I am going to get him to calm down. He stops and looks at me. I move from leaning on the tree and approach him. “Look Dalindyebo, I didn’t say no because I didn’t want to marry you then, I said it because I wasn’t ready. I am older now and ready to commit.” I say as I hug him. I feel him relaxing at our contact and I know he will soon be calm.

“But I begged you Qaqamba, do you know how much ached for you? I wanted you near me as you are to feel my heartbeat for you every night and morning.” He is indeed softening because he is now holding my waist like I once allowed him to when he courted me back then. The wind peacefully blows forcing us to take deep breaths and enjoy our time together after so long. The water in the river near the tree is also adding to the serenity of the atmosphere.

“Well, I am here now my love, all yours forever to keep,” I say this as sweetly as I can as I remember how much he loved it when I spoke sweetly to him. Out of nowhere, he presses me against the tree and looks at me longingly, using his hand, he holds my chin up so I can face him. I adore his flawless dark skin, his small lips and rough hands, and his neatly cut hair. The man has such good genes that I have no doubt our babies will be perfect. It is decided, this is indeed the man I am going to marry, he just needs to say the words again.

“I am afraid I cannot marry you now my love. I still love you as I did years ago, but I have now chosen another woman I am yet to marry; she has borne a son for me. I will start my own family and although I could take you as a second wife, I wouldn’t do that to my sweet woman.” He removes his hands from me.
Tears threaten to come out of my eyes when he says this and gets away from me. “It is just too late now Qaqamba and besides we both know the real reason why you said no, and it wasn’t that you were not ready.”

“I am ready now Dali, you can make me your first wife.”

“I am sorry, I hope you find the one you are looking for.”

With that, he turns his back to me and leaves jumping over to the other side of the river to his woman while I remain under the gigantic tree trying not to lose it. I guess he is right, I never could lie to myself, and I cannot start now. Maybe I will now get the freedom I have always longed for; this is after all my body and my future. I am done running away from myself.

My family has failed to accept me as I am, and although that hurts, it is okay because they don’t owe me anything. But I am done doing things just so they can feel in control of my life, if I could modify my feelings and desires into something desirable to them I would because I love them that much, but I cannot and that is the sad reality. I love women and if I should marry, then I will marry one of them. Thank you, Dali.