I’m scared of the world. I fear it’ll know who I really am and find out about my deepest secret. This secret still haunts me, I am afraid of the world to know that my life is a huge pain. No one makes me happy, everyone just breaks me down more and more every day. Maybe my life is a lesson. Everything is the same to me, love or hate, silence or noise; it is all the same to me.
The darkness surrounds me. It’s getting cold and I’m all alone with no one to hold. My world is so empty, and all that is left is pain. I drown in tears, my heart is crying, there is no one who seems to notice. Don’t be fooled by me, don’t be fooled by this face because I wear a mask; a thousand masks. Masks that I’m afraid to take off because the true me will be revealed.
Pretending is an art that is second nature to me, but don’t be fooled, for God’s sake don’t be fooled. I give you the impression that I’m secure, that confidence is my middle name and coolness is my game, and that I need no one, but don’t believe me. I’m hiding the hurt, hiding the pain and hiding tears that fall like rain. I’m anything but fine, and this ache in my soul rips at my gut. My skin is on fire and I burn from within. The calm on my face is an ongoing sin.
I’m a 20 year old woman. When I was 8 years old I was raped by my friend’s older brother. I wanted to tell someone, but I was afraid because he told me to keep my mouth shut and if I didn’t, he would kill me. This ordeal wrecked my childhood. I was scared of everything and everyone. I hated myself for letting it happen. But I realised deep down inside that I had the strength to end it all and it wasn’t my fault.
Blood boiled in every vain, like a flicker in every flame. Tears streaming from my eyes because my life is built on lies. I am overpowered by my fears, so I kept quiet for many years, as I am still quiet now. This secret is tearing me up inside. With a twisted mind and arms tied, he raped me, so I buried the burns. I grew up thinking it was my fault that pig raped me. Those dark memories still haunt me and I still feel like I’m the one to blame.
Every night I lie awake wondering how much I can take. If only someone would’ve listened to the screams and pleas, maybe they could’ve ended it all and I would still be able to stand tall. The dirty mud clawed under my nails, the pain increased by seconds. Pain crawling up my body, screams so loud, I thought someone would hear. Anyone would and should have heard my sorrow-filled cries, but no one came. At that moment I just wanted to die, every face I saw was his in disguise.
He lingered, tearing off clothes faster than the light shining down. Tears poured out of my eyes, begging, pleading him to stop, but the pain only grew, until he was finished with me. The pain was ripped like I was getting cut by a blade, and it healed but still left scars behind. I still lay there crying and begging for help that never came.
I hid my face and closed my eyes. I sat still in panic and wondered why. Why were these things happening to me? Why was this man doing this to me? What did I do to deserve this? I walk among the ones who have cried, whose innocence was taken in a blink of an eye. All alone I sit and cry, I wonder why I can’t just let myself die in peace. I lay on my bed and cover my head, cry myself to sleep. Loneliness consumes me, it eats away the years of my life and I’m swallowed by unending fears. I’m waiting for someone to see that I wear a mask and care enough to remove it.
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