Suicide is a way in which people escape, so why mock suicidal people? When the burden is too much to bear, who do you mock us? When the pain is too much to hide, why mock us? Hiding pain behind a mask is not enough.
People treat us like we are not enough and when we escape, we are still mocked, even after we succeed, so I ask again, why mock us? People see us and call us problems, but I ask, am I a problem? When I fall victim to the pain and regret, am I a problem? When I feel down and out, badgered by every area of my life, when pain and sorrow fill my mind, am I a problem?
When you see me down but smiling and make a mockery of my insecurities, am I a problem? Am I a problem to society? If the answer is ‘yes’ then why mock me if I leave? People say suicide is the easy route, they say it is less painful, people say it is the worst choice in life.
But I ask, if I am a problem, why don’t you let me leave? Instead you mock me and when I cannot manage and I leave, you mock me further. I burden you with my problems, and you say I am a problem. I leave to not burden you with my problems any longer, yet you still call me a problem. If being a problem entails being broken hearted, broken spirited, broken minded, then I am a problem that can never be solved.
But there is solution: my demise, and that’s suicide, but when I take this option, you mock me and call me a problem, when I tell you my pain, you call me a problem, when I am shattered beyond recognition, you call me a problem. Maybe I am a problem that doesn’t want to be solved or maybe I just can’t be.
So, if I am a problem then allow me to use my only option, which is suicide, to solve your problem, which is me. You say that suicide is not my only option, you offer me shrinks and pills to help with the suicidal thoughts, but I use those pills to overdose with the memories the shrink makes me remember.
I drown in a pit of misery and despair every second of every day but I choose to shield the one that cares and still you call me a problem. When the waters wash over my head, I cry out, but the water fills my lungs, and my cries are muffled. That’s when I give up fighting to see another day; when I do, you mock me, and then call me a problem. You throw words sharper than swords that cut deeper than any blade could, and pump me with pills that ‘help’ but all you do is destroy me further and live your life.
So, when I leave, what cuts you is the fact that you drove me over the edge, it’s not the lie you tell me you care. Suicidal thoughts govern my mind, depression governs my heart, and pain rules my life. Am I a problem if my mind is flooded with suicidal thoughts, am I a problem if depression fills my heart, am I problem if pain is all I know?
If I could change, I would, I would change a thing or two, but I can’t, I’m stuck. Stuck in a downward spiral of pain and regret, yet I am told the lie that everything will work out in the end. End of what, I ask, my life, the life that I want to end so desperately? I cry out muffled screams, but the words shall never leave my lips because I can never muster up the strength to fight to see another day.
Why fight when the new day brings old pain and old memories that drown my mind with a chance of survival. You mock me for being suicidal, you make a mockery of what it does, your religion, your belief, but why do you mock me if this is all I know? Pain is all I know, so I use that pain to bring me back to reality, and every time I miss my target.
I am FINE because it just reminds me that I have to put more effort into reaching my goal, that’s reaching for the clouds. Once I am there, I will wave goodbye, to show my efforts led me to a place of no more pain and regret. I’ll smile down on everyone to remind you I will always be here, even when I’m gone.
Tell us: How can you help someone dealing with suicidal thoughts?
SADAG Suicide Emergency – 0800 567 567
SADAG 24-hour Helpline – 0800 456 789
Lifeline 24-hour Counselling Number – 0861 322 322