Did I have a hand in what happened? I have no idea, but I keep asking myself this question all the time…

I have walked this dreadful journey for far too long and I’ve been petrified. Now I’m inviting you to walk it with me so you can find out how I ended up in this life of partying my sorrows and troubles away, in the hope that it would keep me sane and able to face the world.

I was raised in a world where a woman was taught everything about marriage and how to please and honour her spouse. I married the love of my life, or so I thought. We were the best thing that ever happened to each other. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that he would actually switch on me. It all started when he wanted us to start our own family and have kids.

After five years of trying for a baby with no luck we decided to seek medical help, and that’s when I found out I couldn’t have kids: I was barren. To say I was hurt would be an understatement, I was so afflicted. I wanted my husband to embrace me for what I was going through and look me in the eyes to assure me that we were gonna get through it together. I hoped that we would be fine but, instead of him being there for me, he was distant. I guess my infertility scared him away.

He started going out a lot, he would be gone for a week then a month, months turned into a year. One fateful day something happened while I still had high hopes that he would walk through that door and everything would go back to what it used to be. I heard a knock and somehow I was really convinced that it was him, only to find a court messenger.

Yes, you guessed right, I was being served with divorce papers. I didn’t know how to react because no one told me that things like these might happen along the way, and most importantly, not even once did they tell me how to survive it.

What hurt me the most was not that he left. I somehow expected it. It was who he left me for. My best friend! Yes, he went for her, the same girl who always made me doubt myself. How dare he do this to me? After everything I went through for us!

What could I do now? Where could I start? I didn’t know the way out of that mess. I was trapped and lost in that unclear place I was in. When I signed those divorce papers, a part of me died that day and my dear husband was the one who helped me to dig my grave.

I was struggling to cope because I was fighting demons alone in my head for years. It’s funny how people were convinced that I was living my best life, but how do I explain to them that these demons would creep into my head like a thief in the middle of the night, telling me how I could just end it all and sleep for eternity?

Throughout everything I was facing, a bottle of wine became my source of comfort and a shot of Scotch was the only thing that kept me sane. You know when you have lost all hope but you still manage to find that one thing that makes you wanna get up and live another day? That’s it.

Partying became everything to me so I kept holding onto it, even though it meant burying a piece of myself in the process. I dimmed my light behind a contoured face and shimmering highlighted cheek bones.

The shame and guilt would follow me into the afterlife, so I hid it behind crowded rooms, loud music and shots. You see everything became easy, I was the joker, Miss Party Starter herself. Caged in my agony and sorrows. This became a drug that I really depended on, my euphoria. A safe place outside of my heartaches. The high came easy, but the low took me deeper into an abyss.

***

Suicidal hotline
South African Depression & Anxiety Group – SADAG: (0800) 12 13 14
Lifeline South Africa: (0861) 322 322

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