Growing up in Johannesburg, from a coloured suburb in a lower class home, was a battle and that limited my opportunities. I was unhappy in my adolescence; being raised by a single parent and finding self-acceptance was a problem.

Living with schizophrenia was a struggle, having no income to invest in myself and keeping a good reputation socially was hard. I found myself deteriorating. I had no direction and focus in life and wasted several years. I lost interest in taking care of myself.

I had constant visits to hospitals and doctors trying to find the suitable treatment. I accepted that medication didn’t always cure you. I needed to find coping mechanisms. I had to organise myself properly.

We feel different, forgotten and alienated. We become estranged to our surroundings and lose touch with reality. Success is far-fetched to us. We don’t believe anything is possible. It takes time to look past your disability.

There is a concern in the clinics related to poor treatment of information and unconcern for our well-being with no instructive awareness leaving us to self-research. Having no support or back-up likely causes trouble when you are dependent on meds and your priorities are not straight.

It makes you wonder, since schizophrenia is a body function, why you become so suicidal. We become spiritual when we try to find its origin. It’s unknown and misunderstood.
I’m slowly picking up now. I’ve managed to complete my qualifications at a night school and I now work full time. There is still the need to adapt to circumstances and keep safe. I keep a diary where I track my habits. I’ve learnt from past experiences and acknowledged my mistakes, enabling me to give the best advice I can to others.

Every day is a learning process. One grows as a person and matures intellectually. Through advice and scope, there is a way to empower. My looks deteriorated and I don’t look like a model. I’m not nourished like a wealthy person. Schizophrenia took its toll. There is a huge gap in how far from a socialite I’ve become. Being a reject and misfit I yearn to be followed and admired. A lot of negative results are influenced by unsociable moods. Why not participate and help to get better? The difficulty of it is identifying a lie in me. Working my way up from there is a problem. Being true to myself is a complication. Having no support structure is a serious setback. By luck, NPOs and suicide helplines were discovered.

There is an option to isolate myself to make things easier. No stress of not losing work is best for me. Putting effort into a romantic relationship wouldn’t do it either. Having a lavish lifestyle with never a dull moment is but a dream. It’s hard to grow as a person with the resistance of my paranoia. I go about day to day struggling.

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