“Ti! Ti! That’s what I heard when I opened my eyes. I didn’t had enough energy to sway my head around so that I can see what was happening. My mind registered that I was in the hospital’s ICU ward. But I couldn’t scan and skim my thoughts clearly,”
Those were the first words that she said the first time I visited her at Steve Biko hospital. Her story touched me unexplainably. I couldn’t look at her for a long time for she was too slack. Her silent weeping broke my heart in to pieces. Her sleek hair couldn’t match her beaten blue-eyed face.
“What got in to him, God? He was cursed,” she continued with tears running down her face.
That was the first time I felt so sorry for a person who was close to my heart. She was a twenty-one year old, chocolate brown skinned woman. I never got why a beautiful young woman as her kept staying in such a relationship with a monster. But we all know that in most cases, people fall in love with people who don’t deserve them. I sat on the wooden arm chair wandering to myself.
“Why did you marry him, Sandy?” I said with a shallow, painful voice.
“Tis love, Billy,” she said with a sweet and meaningful voice.
I wanted to tell her how I feel about her, but we all know that feelings of great fondness are hard to tell especially when you really mean it. I have been hiding this feeling for all my life. I was afraid to tell her how I felt about her because I didn’t want to jeopardize our friendship. So I remained her loved one.
Telling her will be ludicrous, I thought to myself. We have been friends since the first grade. All the years I thought of marrying her, oh! I remember this dream I had when I was seven, I saw her in all white! What a beautiful bride she was.
My heart really got broken when I heard that she was going to marry Jay Miller; the ladies man.
That day I spent the whole night weeping. Why can’t she see that I admire her? I asked to myself as I sobbed. Looking at her in this condition really made me think, long and hard. In my eyes Jay was a coward. At this moment Sandy was asleep; besides her bed I saw a brown coffee mug that reminded me of the one I bought her last winter. I can still see the face she had when she said:
“Thanks Billy,” oh! That’s the eye catching smile on her face.
I stood up and went to the window. Outside, I saw a Kingfisher bird flaying up in the atmosphere. The beautiful bird reminded me of the senile days in the lake, holding Sandy’s hand for the first time. I felt her smooth palm get in touch with my gentle palm. I listened to the feeling but she didn’t notice. My blood was boiling.
At that moment I thought we were meant for one another. She made my day; I hope I made hers too. The white clouds were like the reflection of her teeth when she smiled. A pure definition of beauty was her in my encephalon.
I never thought I was ever going to see her in this condition as long as I’m alive. But life is unpredictable, although you may set goals, wishes and dreams it doesn’t automatically mean that you will achieve them. I thought Sandy was mine forever, but life chose to take her away from me. Her wedding day was my funeral day. When I recall well, the last time I saw myself I was in church, staring straight at the pulpit before I lost my thoughts. I never even got time to see the bride being kissed. I stood up and went to the men’s room.
Looking at myself in the mirror, I thought I was a loser as tears ran down my face without invitation them. But we know that before you notice them they are already there, of cause it’s nature. Although I was embarrassed I tried to paint a beautiful picture on my face, I failed, for I was facing reality. I kissed Sandy on her cheek.
“I’m happy for you. Have a lovely life,” I said and then I left.
On my way home I had a million thoughts crossing my mind. I decided to stop at a tavern and ordered the hottest whisky they had in the house for I wanted to get myself drunk. I was never much of a drinker.
Who said alcohol can’t relive stress? I had four full glasses then I was in my own land; a world of peace and no worries. I enjoyed it sip after sip. I listened to it cooling my neck although it was damaging my brain cells and burning my lungs. But I didn’t care about that.
I’m pretty sure that people who knew me were flabbergasted when they saw me in such a condition. Even a blind man could have seen that I was in quandaries that I couldn’t handle on my own. That day I wished to write a suicide note and hang myself, for I thought I didn’t deserve to live.
The devil nearly won my soul for I even cursed at God,
“God you’re a liar! You said You’ll always there for your children but You were not there when I needed you. You’re just a peace destroyer.”
My emotions drove me to go mad. Three weeks later I went to church to repent my sins. I hope God has forgiven me as He said in the bible that He forgives those who repent. I thought that Sandy had peace in her life, but I guess my thoughts lied to me.
“Billy, your still here?”
“It’s late, you can go home now, I’m fine.”
“Sandy do you still love him?”
She took a momentum before she could answer me.
“Yes Billy. I vowed in front of you and my family that I will stay with him till death,” her tears flowed down her pretty, beaten face.
“So you just want him to kill you?! Sandy, look man… I can take care of you… in fact I…” I found it difficult to tell her that I loved her.
“Billy, do you love me?” she asked.
I wanted to say yes, I need you in my life Sandy. I didn’t want to take advantage of her situation.
“Yes, but platonically,” I said instead. My heart pumped quickly as if I was suffering from a heart attack.
“Thank you for always being there for me Billy, you’re such a good friend.”
“I will do anything for you Sandy, see you tomorrow.” I winked my eye at her and left.
The second day, on Saturday, I came back to the hospital carrying roses for her. But I found her not there. At first I was pissed. I asked the nurse who let me see her yesterday.
“Where is Sandy?”
“Her husband took her this morning,”
“Damn it,” I said out loud and I turned with tears running down my face.
The kind nurse gave me a tissue to wipe my tears off. I left the hospital with those expensive flowers in my hand. Near the door I saw a trash box, without hesitating I threw the flowers away. They were making me sick and they were a heavy load.
Outside the hospital I saw a blue bench. I sat on it as my legs and body couldn’t let me walk any further. I sat there for two hours wondering, and then my mind went blank.
Life is not fair, I thought tying my shoe laces. Why am I coaxing love with someone who doesn’t care? There are lot of beautiful ladies out there, so am I a coward that I can’t let this feeling go and get myself a lady of my own? I questioned myself.
I never heard from Sandy since she left the hospital, it had been three miserable days. Every day I had been thinking of visiting her but my heart kept on warning me. On the seventh day I got a call from Mrs Maduma, Sandy’s mother. At first I was surprised; where had she gotten my numbers from, I hadn’t seen her since Sandy’s wedding. I heard her crying on the other side of the phone.
“What’s wrong ma’am?”
“Sandy is…” she started speaking in a low voice.
“What?” I knew she wanted to say dead. Tears just fell down my face before she could even say it.
“She is dead,” she sobbed loudly over the phone.
“No! It can’t be! She was okay seven days ago when I saw her,” I started shouting. “What happ…? Who murdered her? Oh! It’s that Miller boy isn’t it?”
“No Billy, she poisoned herself … She left a suicide note,” I never heard a woman cry like this in my entire life.
She hung up the phone. I immediately took my coat and left for Sandy’s house. When I got there I found my mom, Mr and Mrs Maduma, and Jay weeping. My mom gave me the suicide note. I examined it.
I’m sorry for doing what I did and I hope you will all forgive me. I did what I did because I thought I didn’t deserve to live anymore. Jay, baby, don’t blame yourself for my death. I forgave you a long time ago for what you did to me. I believe you will meet someone who will make you feel happy, as I failed to bring happiness in your life. Billy, thanks for being such a loving friend. I hope you will too find love and peace. When you look at my body, let it not bring anger in your lives but joy. I will miss you as much as you will all miss me.”
Those were her last written words on earth. I hope she had found peace in heaven.