I think I need to work on myself, find myself. Deal with both my anger and anxiety disorders before I hurt more people. I need more time to myself. I have to fix myself now before it’s too late. I realise that I’m the one with a mental-health issue. I desperately want out because I don’t want to see myself in trouble. I’m really freaking out, what I have may turn into depression. The symptoms are similar to depression. Hence, I haven’t been social much lately. I have been distancing myself from everyone, friends and all. Just trying by all means to heal.

However, my journey to healing has been a drag. There’s always something that pulls me back. I never really got the platform to express my feelings. I always had to yell in order to be heard. They considered this kind of behavior rudeness. What was I to do? My yelling didn’t really help, because no one listened. That infuriated me.

I’m broken, so many people misunderstand me. I’m sick and tired of explaining myself to people. The constant stares paralysed me and tore my heart to pieces. My tear ducts were never empty, so I was always crying. When the school bell rang, my heart pounded with excitement because I knew that signal, that it was time to head home. Who cared? No one bothered to ask about my day at school and so I bottled up all my sadness in my heart. Yes, I was born different but I struggle to this day to accept myself. I struggle to fall asleep so I resort to crying myself to sleep every night. Everyone at school seemed so mean to me, I never spoke about that, I never got to speak about my medical condition. It’s one of the main reasons why I carry so much anger.
I’m drowning in these negative thoughts. I can’t really speak out. I know the stigma that comes with living with depression or an anxiety disorder. I tried so hard to shove off these negative thoughts but they always come back to haunt me whenever I’m having my beauty rest. I can’t concentrate and I just find it difficult to function. I’m emotionally scarred for life and exhausted.

So, nje, I don’t want to be attached to anyone any more because I may have ruined a lot of relationships. I’m trying and doing the best I can to get out of this misery I’m in. After all, everyone’s doing their own thing and minding their own business. I only have me, I’m the one who can get me out of this pool.

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