So I finally had a hot girlfriend I had regular sex with; finally lived the life a 23-year-old guy should live, until the Christian lady situation happened.
I thought mom and her were old friends because when she first visited our house, mom allowed her to go to the kitchen and make herself her third cup of tea. I never entertained mom’s too-many friends. As a matter of fact, I disliked many of them because they only appeared when they needed something from her.
The Christian lady did not wait until the second to give me a reason to hate her. When it was time for her to leave she wanted to pray first and she wanted the whole family to be there. This is one of the disadvantages of not having a father in a household. I felt mothers are more likely to let a stranger call the shots, especially if that stranger is a Christian person. Mom called us (me and my two little brothers) into the sitting room to pray with the stranger. When we got there she introduced her, not as ‘the Christian lady’ but as Aunt Gloria or Aunt Gladys or Aunt Margret, I don’t remember.
Instead of closing her eyes and praying, she started a song, and another one, and another one. Before I knew it, I had been on a Sunday morning service on a Saturday afternoon. But the Christian lady did more than bring church to our sitting room, she also avoided eye contact.
I know it’s a small thing, but if a person is going to put their hands on you and pray for you without your permission, it’s only fair they allow you to look into their eyes and give them that ‘what’s wrong with you?’ look. For those few moments while the Christian lady was singing, praying and preaching in our sitting room, I thought avoiding eye contact was the in-thing in the Christian world. I thought she did it to avoid giving away some of her Holy Spirit or something, you never know.
After she left, I asked mom about the ‘no-eye-contact’ thing and she said, “You saw that too? That was so weird.”
The lady didn’t have a lazy eye or something, she’d look at you when you weren’t looking at her and look away when you did. I told mom there was something wrong with the lady, but she defended her and said maybe she was just shy. This was a stupid point, there wasn’t and there’ll never be a grown up Christian lady who visits someone’s house for the first time, drinks 3 cups of tea and prays for people she has never met before without their permission, and turn out to be shy.
Days passed, and on Wednesday, my girlfriend came around and we had fun. I never quite understood relationships though; I thought they were some complex shit. I wasn’t built for that until I met her. She made everything make sense, she let me kiss her, and that’s all I had ever wanted in a relationship.
The next Saturday, the Christian lady returned. Sitting alone in my room writing my girl a love poem, I could hear her and mom talking, reading the bible, drinking tea, having the time of their lives in the sitting room. I had no problem with that, the problem began when she ordered mom to call us for the prayer again.
My door wasn’t locked but mom knocked (she knew I wasn’t single anymore) and I told her I was busy. She went and told the Christian lady that and the Christian lady came to my room and let herself in without knocking. Mom followed. I tried to give the Christian lady the –’what’s wrong with you?’ look but I couldn’t look into her eyes. So I gave it to mom and mom shrugged and gave me a ‘I don’t know what’s wrong with her’ look.
“Child, don’t let the devil ruin your life. God has big plans for you but those plans are not going to happen if you’re going to be too busy for the Lord. And also, you’re a child in this house, if it’s prayer time, it’s prayer time, don’t be disrespectful.” the Christian lady said.
Mom stood next to her, quiet, useless, leaving me with no choice but to pull the ‘man of the house’ card and put the Christian lady in her place. I was on my feet and ready to talk my shit when mom quickly tapped the Christian lady on the shoulder and said, “Can I talk to my son alone please.” The Christian lady shook her head, disgusted with mom, and walked out.
“Ma, this is bullshit, I’m sorry for cussing but come on, this is not right. Who’s this person?” I said.
“She is so weird, you have no idea,” mom whispered.
“Why the fuck are you whispering? This is your house… I’m sorry ma, I’m sorry… but come on.” I said.
“Oh Jesus! The devil is in this place, help us father,” the Christian lady whispered aloud right outside my door. Mom opened the door and looked at her, she looked at mom’s shoes, I looked at mom’s shoes too before I remembered the Christian lady was just avoiding eye contact.
“Please,” mom said, and the Christian lady went to the sitting room.
Mom closed the door and leaned her back against it. She closed her eyes, inhaled, exhaled, and then said, “Wow, I’m mad, this is bad, you want to go tell her to leave?”
“Ma, she’s your friend,”
“No, we were classmates in high school, that’s it, I don’t know her.”
“But you let her go to the kitchen and…”
“I know, she insisted, and I didn’t want to call one of you guys to make her tea for the third time.”
“OK I’ll get rid of her,” mom said and left the room.
After a few seconds, I heard the Christian lady shout “I knew it!” then there was silence. Then mom shouted “Get out!” and then there was silence again. About half a minute later, I heard a scream from outside, it sounded like mom’s. Then I heard another scream, it didn’t sound like mom’s.
I ran outside and found mom and the Christian lady whooping each other’s asses up. It was surreal; I had never thought mom would swing like that or take a punch like that. For a moment I just paused, like, my mind just froze; I didn’t know what to do.
My neighborhood is highly populated and the street I live next to is never empty, plus, the people here are very nosy. The neighbors quickly came outside, strangers in the street stopped to watch, my two little brothers came out of the house too. It was obvious to anyone watching the fight that the Christian lady was going to win, she had skill. I went there knowing that I had to be fair, that I had to stop the fight like a gentleman because there were people watching. But when I tried that, the Christian lady elbowed me twice on the chest and I got mad.
I hate to admit that even though it was two against one, taking down the Christian lady was very hard. And when she was finally down, I raised my eyes and saw my girlfriend, she was standing in the crowd on the street.
There was no way she was going to stay with me, not after seeing me hit a 45-year-old woman with an uppercut and then trying to break her leg. But at least me and mom didn’t get arrested for beating the Christian lady up until she passed out. Apparently she was mentally ill and had beat up people before, but her family thought that wasn’t going happen again since she was taking medication, so they let her loose.
Thanks to that crazy Christian lady, I’m back to being this guy who sits alone in his room all day reading books, writing poems and writing stories that offend humorless people.
Tell us what you think: Did you enjoy the story? What would you have done if this was happening in your house?