A little baby is born to two people. They both have no idea how to proceed. The baby starts crying, the mother is screaming, and the father is shouting. This young couple bit a bit more off than they could chew.

This scenario may be a slight exaggeration but the psychological effects that a parent has on their child could never be overstated.

As humans mature from infancy to adulthood, we experience a lot of different things; some pleasant and some that we would like to forget. It is the accumulation of all these experiences that make us who we are today. The unpleasant memories can be seen as emotional wounds. If these wounds stay untreated, we may find ourselves hurting the ones we love. For like the saying goes: hurt people, hurt people.

Psychologists have long debated on what influences human behaviour. Is it Nature; our genes and hereditary features or Nurture; the environmental factors, how a child is raised and early childhood influences? I believe that they both have an influence on human behaviour. However, I feel, nurture is more prominent. A child learns most of his behaviours from their immediate and extended environment.

My neighbour, a man who fought valiantly in the liberation struggle, I feel should have thought twice before he was allowed to have children. I say this with all due respect. He is a man that I admire for his bravery and patriotism, but I despise the way he treats his children. He was born in a time and place where a man’s worth was only measured in his physical prowess. This upbringing coupled with the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder he suffers from the times of Apartheid, made for a toxic combination that was traumatic for those around him, especially his children.

Our country is riddled with problems: from poverty to crime, corruption, and other injustices. These constitute some of the external factors that may affect us mentally. However, there are also some internal factors that have to do with a person’s personality and how they take in information, such as personal norms and natural preferences. Every person has their own experiences, and they are unique to their reality.

When someone who has experienced the more unpleasant sides of life decides to have kids, they have the choice to continue a cycle or to stop it. By this I mean by seeking therapy to treat their ‘emotional’ wounds to avoid transferring their pain to the new-born soul. I acknowledge the fact that we are almost always never responsible for what happens to us, but we have the responsibility to seek help to get ourselves back on track.

Scientists and psychologists have determined that stress is associated with behavioural problems in children. Studies show that from the time babies are born they start interacting with the world, and as they grow, they become increasingly affected by it too. With minds like sponges that retain more information than you might think, it is important for the parents to be well-equipped to take care of the child. Financially, they would need to start saving money and buying necessities prior to the baby’s arrival. But it is relatively uncommon for expecting parents to seek mental help through counselling before the child arrives. This may be due to lack of knowledge or a lack of funds, especially in the South African context. We are a nation that has suffered many sorrows and a lot of stuff gets swept under the carpet. It is not difficult to see how such a dynamic would adversely affect a child.

The parenting styles that were implemented by our grandparents are not always applicable to children raised in the current day and age. Dr Baumrind, a clinical psychologist, defined three types of parenting styles, although these are not by any means exhaustive. They are Authoritative, Permissive, and Authoritarian. Permissive involves a parent giving in to all the child’s demands, the result would most likely be a spoilt child. Authoritative and Authoritarian both involve a parent who is strict with the child with an Authoritarian parent not giving in to any of the child’s demands. While on the other hand, an authoritative parent would make exceptions where they see fit. The world is ever changing and as such the parenting style employed by parents should also evolve. The times of old saw many parents enforcing the authoritarian style, and as a result our parents were pre-disposed to follow this style.

In the context of South Africa today, a lot of parents follow the permissive or the authoritarian style. Where the authoritative style would be most suitable.

Our life experiences and the parenting style we employ, decide what kind of parents we become. Therefore, it is easy to see why a psychological test would help in this regard.
The tests that a parent could undertake should be ones that help them grow their awareness of what might affect their child in their behaviour or past experiences that they haven’t resolved. They are tests that seek to decipher and remedy any trauma that the individual might have experienced so that there is less chance of them passing it on to their child or children.

There are numerous tests, some conducted by professionals, and some you can just take online. Examples of these tests could be the PTSD screening test, childhood trauma test, and many more. The online versions are not intended as a diagnostic tool, but they would provide useful insight into what needs to be healed in you before you bring a young one into this world.

A man like my neighbour, who criticised his son’s every action from infancy until adulthood, could have benefited immensely from therapy and thus would have probably raised his son much better. Sometimes we don’t even need a psychological test to tell us that we are traumatized in some way. But it ultimately doesn’t matter how you come to realise your sorrows or trauma; the most important aspect is to seek healing and that responsibility falls entirely on you as this is your life.

From the time a child is still a baby they have thoughts. In infancy they are referred to proto-thoughts and are just based on sensations. But this is them taking in information and trying to decipher it. Therefore, it is important to be mindful of how you raise your child from the moment they are born and not when they harbour years of resentment because of the trauma you, as a parent, have caused.
The children are our future, let’s be careful what seeds we plant in their budding minds.