It all began when I found out I was three months pregnant; impregnated by a man I thought was my soulmate. It didn’t take long for everything to go sour. I couldn’t recognise the life I was living. The hell I lived in and the abuse I had to take in. No support, only regret. Why didn’t I terminate? Why didn’t I get rid of this problem at its earliest stage? I hated myself for being so stupid. So naive to think this man was going to support and love us, me and the baby, through thick and thin.
Months went by, but every minute felt like a year. A year of terror, so much anger built up unnoticed, I didn’t realise the pain. The pain that ate me inside and kept feeding off me and growing. I don’t know how to love and be myself any more. Can’t get over the pain. Can’t get over the trauma. It’s so deep, its depth is incalculable. I am a dead woman walking.
Emotional dead woman, but in all the pain came a blessing, a beautiful baby boy, whom I am learning to love every day.
A year later I found my breakthrough, well, that’s what I thought. I managed to enrol in a college to study towards a diploma in Electrical Engineering. All I wanted was to make my little angel proud one day so I studied hard in my first semester. I was so thrilled upon receiving my results; I had nailed my modules. Then history was about to repeat itself when I started my second semester. I met Senzo Mchunu who was going to make me popular at our campus. Little did I know he was going to be my second baby daddy and make me popular by impregnating two more girls from our campus and turning me into a laughing stock.
I thought since he was a student activist he was going to bring me a step towards my dream of being a member of Student Representative Council (SRC). My world came crashing down when I found out I was two months pregnant with Senzo’s baby. I knew I didn’t want a baby ever again, but here was I having this little person growing inside me. I hated myself, I hated myself for allowing history to repeat itself, but above all I was so scared, the thought of people seeing me pregnant in less than two years from my first pregnancy pierced my heart. I was so nervous about being called a baby-making machine.
Months went by and my bump started showing so I went into self-imposed exile. I moved to a new town where nobody knew me and my history. I used all my savings to pay rent and buy things for the baby.
A month in my new place, my due date arrived at 00:20. I delivered my beautiful princess named Asemahle Conco. To my surprise, my whole family was so happy. Until today she’s her gogo’s little darling, but in all that life threw in front of me I managed to pick myself up and continued with my studies and I know one day my kids will be very proud of calling me their mom.
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