Was I not good enough? Not pretty enough? Not intelligent enough to be your daughter? Was it because I’m a girl, and I wouldn’t be able to carry the family name like a son would? Or was it because you saw so much of my mother in me, that you decided to punish me too for the divorce?
You know, at your funeral, people spoke of you as some kind of a hero, a god almost. The boys in your neighbourhood said you started a soccer club to keep them off the streets and that you gave them love and advice like a father would. I guess we (your children) were not worthy of such treatment, huh? The cherry on top after your death, was finding out that you had remarried. I know you did not need anybody’s permission, but couldn’t you at least inform us as your family?
I really wish I could say your death did not affect me at all but it did. It really tore me apart. I wanted to cry so hard that it was hard to even breathe but I didn’t because we were told to be strong and not give people the satisfaction. A part of me though didn’t cry because I felt like you did not deserve a damn tear from me. “Dance with my father” by Luther Van Dross and “Daddy please don’t go” by Freshly Ground, are the most played songs on my playlist. Not because I like them, but because they keep the hatred I have for you fuelled up. They remind me of what I never got to experience because you were too selfish to give me the love and attention I deserved.
Is it selfish of me to wish that you had stayed a while longer, though? Couldn’t you at least wait till the end of 2008, so you could see me take first place in academics? Or in 2010 when I ranked 2nd in the whole grade? Or 2012 when I was chosen to be one of the four students attending Star School at NMMU? What about in 2014 when I qualified to attend the SAICA Camps? Why didn’t you wait for me to at least grow up? When I failed my matric I needed you, I needed you to tell me that it was okay and that I’d make it next year if I focused, because I was smart. But yet again you failed me as a father.
All I ever wanted in my life was a father who’d love me, care for me and protect me. It seems that was a lot to ask for. I hope that you are at peace wherever you are.