CHAPTER 1

” Mama,she has a boyfriend ! Do you know she didn’t do the dishes but rush off to see him. The boy is…,” she whispered and I entered in the kitchen.

” Who is the boy?” my mother asked furiously.

” It’s Tau,that imbecile,useless boy from that corner,” she replied, pointing with her middle finger on her left.

My heart was beating but Tau wasn’t my boyfriend. Why was my little sister lying?She just saw me standing, talking to him about school which I wanted to attend. And I never left the house without doing the dishes first. I was more like a maid at home.

Life taught me to accept that you can’t control what people say or their actions. I made a cradle of hope in my heart. I became self spirited and a introvert. I made myself believe in good things and positives. I cast out negatives from my mind. I principled my heart never to allow negatives in it and I obliged to keep that in mind. My story goes like this: one day on a sunny day ,the birds were chirping in the trees. I thought it was a wonderful morning.

” You are useless… that is why that man left you,” she shouted as always .

 The word ‘ useless’ was said everyday,it never escaped her mouth and I came to accept it. I needed money to buy my kids some pants because the one they had were worn out. I had to ask my mother for money because she had promised to help me with my children. I sat under the mango tree ,with thoughts draining my energy.

” You should be like your sister,” my mother spoke behind me.

I wondered how she found me because I had left her in the kitchen. My sister​ and I never finished school but my sister had a business that her sugar daddy had opened for her. A few months ago I had returned home after my boyfriend left with another woman . I made a mistake by staying with a man who never married me. I just wanted to stick to one partner. I fell pregnant whole still doing my matric. When I ran off ,I became pregnant again with another child,I thought the man would marry me. I envied some of my classmates who got married after running off with their boyfriends. It was my desire to be like them. I had disappointed my parents and I was ashamed to return but my mother gave me hope at first until I saw that she hadn’t changed.

” Take the kids back to their family,” she shouted behind me,with threatening eyes.

I walked away because my head was about to burst. And I didn’t want to fight with her. I was a quiet child that always obeyed​ my parent but peer pressure drove me to have a boyfriend before I had finished school. I always yearned my parent’s love I was like a black sheep in the family. I was a lonely in my childhood .

Long ago when I was 9 I was snatched by a man who stayed​ in same street and he raped me. My parent didn’t believe me and beat me instead and made me believe I wanted to be sexual abused. That incident triggered in my mind for years. I became scared of men but I wanted to be loved​. One day after studying for matric I noticed my peers had boyfriends​,I decided to have one. I didn’t want to be left out of the fun.

” She only think about men,look at her . She brought kids and sickness,” my mother told my neighbor ,Mama Vimbi while I swept​ the house.

It was bad that their voices were loud . I wish someone would scold my mother of teasing me like I was a stranger. My mother loved gossiping on the wall, I felt prying eyes on me but decided not to look. The pain in me was too much for me to bear.

” She has Aids?” the neighbors murmured.

” She is stupid…. I didn’t raise her. Her father spoiled her ,” my mother’s​ voice sounded serious but inside I heard laugh sub- consciously in my head.

There was mumbling and gasping among them but this time I couldn’t hear what they said. Tears itched in my eyes and I let them fell on my face. I dab the tear off with the back of my hand,my heart was in pain. I asked myself why I was in this world. Was there a place where I would have a mother full of love? 

Everyday was a torture. Sometimes I wished I was never born. I had suicidal thoughts but when I looked at my children, I worry. If I die with my parents and sister hating me, would they look after my offspring? Suicide would make my children suffer more. I had to find a way how to handle this. People nearby became scared to sit close or next with me or my children because of my status. My children had no friends because of me ,it broke my heart. But where I was ,my children would be. 

One cold night after making the children sleep, I sat outside and looked at the stars . They looked beautiful and I wish I was a star that shine. A shooting star passed in front of my eyes. I had glimpse of hope .A ideas of making something for myself came up in my mind. 

Next day I was joyful and excitement was growing in me but I hide it from my parents, they wouldn’t spoil it. I was going to use some money I had after selling the father of my children’ s suits and chest drawer and buy stock. The money wasn’t much, I brought popcorns and cooking oil with packing plastics.

” What are you thinking ? You think popcorn will feed your children? ” my mother mocked as I was confident with my business’ s idea.

I didn’t respond but learnt to be absent minded to people’s​ words. I popped and packed in plastics​,day by day I sold them by side of the road.My family was embarrassed of me because my parents had good paying jobs. I managed​ to buy my children clothes and panties.

” From today ,start cooking your own pot for yourself and your children. Since you have a business mind now,” my mother instructed with her face mocking me.

I had no problem because I had hope everything would be fine one day. Day by day I had much profit that I raised money to buy more stock and add more stock like chips and biscuits on the list. I didn’t give up ,my children had all their needs.

” I guess life wanted me to learn to be strong,” I whispered to myself as a customer walk away after buying three packs of popcorns. I looked at the notes and coins in my purse and I smiled with hope.

In a month I had cigarettes​ added on the list and I made hot dogs and burgers. I was happy though I knew I had nobody and people started to envy me. Even my neighbors,they were shocked that the so called AIDS I had ,my customers were not afraid of it. I thought they would chase my customers but people loved me. 

” How much are the popcorns?” she asked shyly.

” 2 Rand,” I replied smiling.

” Wow,give me one,” she handed me a five Rand .

I search for change and gave her three rand.

” Give me two and keep the change,” she pushed​ my hand and I smiled because I could pop more and make more profit.

” Thank you!” I murmured in shock and watched her disappear in the thin air.

I didn’t notice my sister,Tshidi was behind me ,she laughed hysterically.

” So you are friendly to the people who hurt you,” she shook her head with a smirk on her face.

” If I were you ,I would chase them away”

 My baby was crying for a lollipop that I grabbed from him. I didn’t respond to Tshidi but sat down and took my baby in my hands and patted him on my chest Tshidi’ s eyes were questioning and mocking.

” You have a heart,” she added and jested away.

I would never do wrong for wrong but good for all because one day it would come back to me . I noticed that when you respond to crazy people you will be the craziest and end up having a headache. Silence is the best since I couldn’t control people’s​ words and actions.

I accepted I was me and would never be anybody because each one of is unique and different. I was special in my own way and I had to embrace it. My business was doing well,more than my sister’s that I made biggest enemies with my family again.