Long ago when I was 9 I was snatched by a man who stayed​ in same street and he raped me. My parent didn’t believe me and beat me instead and made me believe I wanted to be sexual abused. That incident triggered in my mind for years. I became scared of men but I wanted to be loved. One day after studying for matric I noticed my peers had boyfriends​, I decided to have one. I didn’t want to be left out of the fun.

” She only think about men, look at her. She brought kids and sickness,” my mother told my neighbor, Mama Vimbi while I swept​ the house.

It was bad that their voices were loud. I wish someone would scold my mother of teasing me like I was a stranger. My mother loved gossiping on the wall, I felt prying eyes on me but decided not to look. The pain in me was too much for me to bear.

” She has Aids?” the neighbors murmured.

” She is stupid…. I didn’t raise her. Her father spoiled her,” my mother’s​ voice sounded serious but inside I heard laugh sub-consciously in my head.

There was mumbling and gasping among them but this time I couldn’t hear what they said. Tears itched in my eyes and I let them fell on my face. I dab the tear off with the back of my hand, my heart was in pain. I asked myself why I was in this world. Was there a place where I would have a mother full of love? 

Everyday was a torture. Sometimes I wished I was never born. I had suicidal thoughts but when I looked at my children, I worry. If I die with my parents and sister hating me, would they look after my offspring? Suicide would make my children suffer more. I had to find a way how to handle this. People nearby became scared to sit close or next with me or my children because of my status. My children had no friends because of me, it broke my heart. But where I was, my children would be. 

One cold night after making the children sleep, I sat outside and looked at the stars. They looked beautiful and I wish I was a star that shine. A shooting star passed in front of my eyes. I had glimpse of hope. A ideas popped up, I do so something for myself. 

Next day I was joyful and excitement was growing in me but I hide it from my parents, they wouldn’t spoil it. I was going to use some money I had after selling the father of my children’ s suits and chest drawer and buy stock. The money wasn’t much, I brought popcorns and cooking oil with packing plastics.

” What are you thinking ? You think popcorn will feed your children? ” my mother mocked as I was confident with my business’ s idea.

I didn’t respond but learnt to be absent minded to people’s​ words. I popped and packed in plastics, day by day I sold them by side of the road. My family was embarrassed of me because my parents had good paying jobs. I managed​ to buy my children clothes and panties.