My mother won’t stop badgering me about Wallahi , I cannot deal . I tell her my impressive list of suitors. She thinks they are not worth it too. See, I am destined to enjoy my life as a single muslima enjoying Abi’s inheritance, I tell her . She laughs at me.

Farouk KaZulu , I have to tell you about that one. He is one of the princes , he is King Misuzulu’s brother who is on the bottom of ever inheriting the throne- his mother reverted to Islam . We went to school together where he tried hard to marry the only princess we had from Saudi, who descends from our prophet . He thought his royal status would help. Impossible. Well, his mother and my father had dreams of arranging a Nikkah for us , so we met at a halal cafe while they watched us a few tables away . He is one delusional male. He has visions of the Zulu throne suddenly falling onto his lap , at which point he will create a Zulu Caliphate and conquer all of Africa making KZN the site of Muslim worship . Blasphemous. He went on and on as I nibbled on a samoosa and my coffee went cold.. Yew .

Anyway , I pretended to have a stomach issue , grabbed my Abi and we ran out of there . Later , I told him about our future Khalifa and he laughed until he actually farted and had to go clean himself as we had to pray . Suffice to say that he never bothered me about Farouk again .