To scream, or not to scream?

I swear, I played my cards right,

I smiled at every camera,

I waved at every stranger,

I giggled at every joke-

Even the ones that made me feel indifferent.

I swear, I played my cards right,

I always used my words right,

I never dared to expose the words

That the voices in my head screamed

With hopes to keep me conscious.

I wore my make-up right,

That should have been enough,

Right?

You would not believe how hard

I tried,

At times I would gild my heart

With hopes to be deemed as one of them,

Yet they audaciously deemed me

As mentally instable… Insane.

Regardless of the number of times

I had to hold myself from

Swinging uncontrollably on chandeliers,

Had to control my urge to kill whoever

Stepped on my toes and those

Who dared to make me cry.

I swear, I always hid my inability

To breathe in overcrowded places,

I learnt how to dance to all the genres

That never touchef my soul.

All I ever wished for was to be

Recognized,

To fit in,

To be loved more,

Yet now here I stand,

Being crucified for the insanity

I tried so hard to hide away

From the world.

I tried, I swear.

I spent years in convalescence

Due to my lack of altruism and

Extremely acrimonious behaviour.

What am I to do?

To scream, or not to scream?