I questioned myself if I deserved to be free or be jailed all my life, and the answer is very simple, I shouldn’t have gone to jail at the first place, I’d kill Pete over and over should I be given the chance in heaven.

It’s been long though, I’ve detached from a lot of things, my family have disowned me the moment they learned about what I have done, I bet it’s going to be an experimental journey trying to get them to understand why killed Pete, and having to attend the support group. One thing I have learned in the psychiatric hospital is studying people’s postures and eyes moment, it says a lot on how they receive the information you give them. That will work to my advantage.

I passed by the ATM to check if I still had money, and to my surprise, there was a lot of money in my account, I guess our banks are as loyal as they say they are. My mother knows that I’m out, so she’s expecting me but I don’t want to inconvenience her, I’ll book myself in a fancy five-star hotel for a week then after having conversations with her and her new family, we’ll decide what to do but what I know is I’m way too old to stay with her.

I took the longest shower, then went to sit in the bath also, how I missed this life, the room service brought my food, I quickly dried and rushed to eat, the taste of mash, spinach, pumpkin and quarter chicken with very cold coca cola, it felt so good, like killing Pete. My mom would kill me if she heard that. I slept like a queen but was not keen for the next day.

Morning came, did my routine and ate of course, then headed to my mom’s house, I stood at the gate for the longest time, the house has changed a lot, as I was still stuck there, a car came and the gate opened, I couldn’t see who the driver was, I entered and stood there watching the gate close slowly.

“Hello”

“Hello mam”

That mam annoyed me and I quickly turned, it was as if I’m looking at myself, a younger version of me. Could it be…

“Dear, please follow me to the house so we can give you food”

What?

“You look tired and hungry “

She actually came and dragged me to the house, my eyes met my mom’s the minute I stepped in and I cried.

“Mom.”

“Xander my child, look at how thin and faded you are, is this the life you wanted?”

“Mommy please hear me out, I was pushed to do what I did, I was angry and hurt…”

She slapped me.

“Look at your daughter, are you teaching her that killing is the best action to take when hurt and angry?”

“No, I’m just trying to make you understand, thank you for looking after my child, I appreciate you mom.”

We both cried, I told her the whole story, she looked shocked, not sure if it’s how I killed Pete or why , my daughter whom I named Xenon is now 21 years and a teacher, she’s very beautiful and has a little figure unlike me and mom.

I made regular visits to my family, my sister and her children moved to Durban die to her work, my father married a girl my daughter’s age as a second wife, mum is now retired from being the principal of a multiracial secondary school, my sister is the head of surgery then there’s me me, I ruined my life.

Mom suggested that I move in with them, I did, but until I get back on my feet.

The support group sessions start this week. My family will be listening from the other room.

I introduced myself

My name is Xander Mashile from Hercules, I am 45 years of age, have one baby girl and I’m a midwife nurse by profession, have worked four years then went to prison at the age of 25 after giving birth to two beautiful girls, unfortunately, one didn’t make it.

I went to prison for murder. l, I killed a man, Pete, his name was Pete the father of my babies, I felt like it had to be done, I don’t regret doing it, I’d do it again.

When Pete and I met, I was still in nursing school and he was a taxi driver, he’d fetch me from school, drop me at the gate home and do the same in the morning, I finally fell too deep in love, he respected me, showed affection in public, he gave me his time, attention and mostly he cared, he’d ask what I ate for lunch, how my day was, and sing me a lullaby until I fall asleep, it was when I was doing my Second year when Pete told me that he wanted to go to school to complete his engineering course, only n6 was left so it was for 6 months.

I was being paid from my practical site so I’d help him with cash here and there, I even went as far as buying monthly groceries for his mother, one day his mother said she wish Pete would marry a decent church girl who dresses clothes that cover-up, from that day, I started going to church and would wear long skirts when I was going to see her. His family became my second favourite family.

Pete and I never had arguments, we were always happy, he’d make sure I’m okay, he put me first or so I thought, I threw a graduation party for him to return the favour, his mom invited a girl to the party, a true church girl she said. The lady and Pete seemed to be sharing something special, but Pete assured me that there was nothing going on and he was meeting that girl for the first time.

I moved out at home, rented an apartment so he could come and stay with me while job hunting. It took him the whole year and a half with no luck of any job, but I was patient, love is patient. I found a permanent job where I was doing my practical, and 3 months into working Pete suddenly gets a job as a driver.

His routine was worrying, but mine wasn’t any better so I saved the complaints to myself, but there were a few times when I’d smell a different perfume from the one he uses, after telling him that he made me believe I was pregnant, but I wasn’t, years passed by with him being a driver, he made sure we had food and paid the rent, there were times when he’d act rich and buy us fancy expensive brands, I took notice.

Our first lash out was when he didn’t come back home for a week and was not picking up my calls, we started to get weak, we’d fight over a TV channel, he then changed, I didn’t recognize him anymore. When I turned 25, he invited his friends instead of mine to my celebration, that was wrong and I told him but he called me ungrateful, so whenever he does something wrong, I kept quiet, I didn’t want to sound ungrateful.

I felt sick at work, I went back home, found him sweating like he was busy, I don’t know what he was doing but from the state the bed was, he has a visitor on my bed. I didn’t say anything, I just took my clothes and went home, I came back when my sick leave was over, but I felt worse a few days after, I was then admitted, they found out that I was pregnant with twins, but they found an alarming dosage of the morning-after pill in my blood too, to my concern, I have never used those.

I was wondering, so I hired a PI, I then found out that Pete was long married to that church girl, he’s a con artist or an escort whatever suits him, he has a hunger house and a car with two kids.

I confronted him and he didn’t deny it, he fueled me up when he said he doesn’t want to have children with me that’s why he gave me those pills every chance he got, I looked on the table and I saw a fork, I took it and jumped to his neck, I forked him, he fought until he couldn’t anymore, I made sure he was lifeless, then I called the police. That’s my story.