WARNING: This piece contains descriptions of sexual abuse.

I don’t talk about this because what if I’m wrong or what if I’m just overthinking things? What if I talk about it and then get blamed for what happened?

Yes, I’ve slept with him before and willingly; never encountered any problems. But what is it that was different about that day? If we’ve done it before does that mean when I say “no” it has to be taken for granted?

I didn’t say ‘no’ while laughing or smiling, I meant it but he never listened. He forced himself on me, I couldn’t believe what just happened. I just laid down, and didn’t scream or even moan; I was in disbelief about what was happening.

I was trying to re-live the incident again in order for me to understand what just happened. I said no, was that not enough? I mean maybe it’s my mistake, after all, maybe I shouldn’t have said ‘no’ then he wouldn’t have forced himself on me.

I didn’t even cry, what’s worse I got dressed and had a different conversation with him. What if I tell him how I feel and he blames me for it? It didn’t even click to him that he may have done something wrong.

Did it not occur to him that this time it was different? Didn’t he have guilt in him that I said no but he continued? was my ‘no’ not strong enough? Even though I said it a lot of times? 

Maybe I’m just overthinking things, I’ve done this before with him so why stop now? My ‘no’ has no impact, it was bound to happen.