Raising a child isn’t it all about buying candy and talking baby gibberish?

I always thought this was the case until I had to change Qhamisa’s diapers, wake up at 2AM to her cries, breastfeed till I felt her sucking away my happiness and freedom.

I mean, I no longer availed myself for the girl’s nights out I regularly had with my girlfriends, where we’d get wasted and wake up in luxury hotels, naked with strangers and cash in the back pockets of our jeans.

I never imagined, ever sacrificing my time out with the girls for anyone.

I’d rather have my mom scold and throw insults at me or my teacher punish me for not completing her tasks.

But things are different now, the rebel phase has descended.

I now have to hush the delicate little girl to sleep, she sometimes falls asleep on my back, sometimes on my hands and never on her cot.She doesn’t wanna be left alone, she’s just a baby, what does she know about loneliness?

Baby, my mom came home half-yearly from her work and I had always looked after myself since I was 12.

No one to complain to about how boring my day was, no one to tell me bedtime stories till I fell asleep and no one to shape me back when I was falling out of shape.

My mom would pile my wardrobe with the latest fashion trends, I always ate food with price tags, I went to one of the best schools in town and had about 100 boyfriends. Always cried myself to sleep and woke up to the dry trails of tears down my cheeks, with no soft hands to wipe them or bake my favourite hot buns, butter them and serve me when I didn’t feel like food.Now that is loneliness.

My little bear should stop acting like she knows what loneliness is and just shut the fuck up!

She can’t stop crying, it’s been 2 hours and I can feel my own tears welling up.

I’ve given her all her necessities and she just keeps wailing, loud and uncontrollable.

Her cry is contagious as I also feel my cheeks warm and my eyes teary.It is impossible to heal from these scars.

Healing? Definitely not a once off event. Weeks, months, years? That’s the least, especially when memories keep lingering in your mind and will forever be glued into your memory stick like mine.

Conceiving a baby through rape and having the duty to selflessly love and provide for it, without dying shows how bulletproof I am.

Wait… She just hushed and is fast asleep, let me tuck her into bed and get some sleep.


For professional help and counselling call one of these numbers:

FAMSA (Families South Africa): 011 975 7106/7 or email national@famsa.org.za

SADAG (South African Depression and Anxiety Group): 0800 567 567 (toll-free counselling between 8am and 8pm)

Rape Crisis: 021 447 9762

Lifeline: 0861 322 322

STOP Gender based violence: 0800 150 150

GBV command centre: 800 428 428 or *120*7867# (free)