DECEMBER DIARIES

December is almost every individual’s favorite month of the year. It’s the time when people finally can go to the beach and swim with their family’s, lovers and friends. My favorite part about December is traveling to visit my family in the Eastern part of the country and seeing couples getting married.

Well that’s because I love love despite the fact that it doesn’t love me back. I am 21 years old and I have never been in a relationship that lasts more than four months. I always meet guys who have no intentions of being in long term relationships . This is what made me stop dating, I decided to only look for love in December, if I don’t find it there are still many December’s to come …

I heard that he was in town again and I just froze. No I didn’t expect to see him now. I know it has been too long since we last spoke. It was in January and he was so distant, he was extremely cold! We were coming from the December holidays and we started lacking communication. I appreciate that he did try his best calling me “bhabha” or “sthandwa” and my heart would melt immediately whenever I heard his voice he was so sweet and soft. Until he suddenly posted a status complaining about how being single in Eastern Cape bothered him, I was disappointed by this and didn’t know how to react or respond. I was there, how could he say he was single! I know I was in my village too far from his but I couldn’t take this, this sounded like a betrayal to me because we were in a “relationship”, no it was “cheating “. I decided to ignore him, this was for my mental health’s sake, I didn’t need this kind of stress.

When we were back in Cape Town we were still talking but I still had this in my head. His texts were annoying me in some way but I loved him so much, he was very soft, kind, passionate and loving. Not forgetting how handsome he was, he wasn’t loud like my previous exes. I don’t know how it happened but I couldn’t talk to him anymore I just didn’t want to but I still wanted to be with him! I was reminded of how I have always been in loveless relationships and started regretting ever meeting him.

He called me and apologized for not being there, he was only here for 3 days. I was not even used to a guy who apologized to me so I appreciated this gesture too! Promises of meeting were never fulfilled, he told me he left already. I cried so much, this meant that he felt nothing for me, he was just passing time. The assurance, the cuddles and the sweet names were just a way of deceiving me, what was going to benefit from that? I loved him so much but this was just too much to handle.

Before valentines day he kept posting about how single and lonely he was and I was there! I just had to act like I didn’t see that and ignored him for about a week. He sent a text greeting me again after everything I just ignored him.And then I never heard from him again. February till November.

After hearing that he was around again, I prayed so hard to God that I should not meet him again. I was not ready.

I swear I didn’t see him coming, I only saw him when he was already standing at my door, and for a moment I froze, I was hypnotized by the stare he gave me. I think I might have looked mean though. He greeted  “how are you doing, how long have you been here?”. Maybe because I spent most of my time in varsity.

That was such an insane question to ask a lover you never broke up with…I thought.

He started asking me about keys from his house and I started bluffing, I was just confused, everything that came out of my mouth wasn’t making any sense. It was very hard for me to pull myself together again and give him a straight answer.

I finally pulled myself together and gave him a response, it was longer than required with stuttering in between. The thing is he was still handsome, he was staring straight into my eyes while I was being crazy infront of him. I finally gained the strength to show him the keys, deep down I wished we had a real conversation again…I wished that he had told me that he missed me and gave me one of his warm hugs afterwards.