After several hours of writing and deleting, rewriting and editing, I think I have come up with a somewhat acceptable speech that will help me express my feelings in the nicest way possible.

I practice my mode of presentation, selecting the right tone of voice to use, the best facial expression and gesticulation.

“Good evening all” I courtesy

“No, hi guys” I wave

“I called us to meet because I think we need to review our friendship.”

I pause and squint

“Should it be review or appraise”

I move my fore fingers from side to side, trying to pick the right words

“Let me leave it as review. Moving on, I am grateful to have you guys as friends but I feel we can do better. I’m all for moderation so I want us to care for each other’s feelings without walking on eggshells around each other.”

I take a deep breath and put on a stern but sad face

“Ore, I don’t think I’m too sensitive but I don’t like the way you always use every opportunity to make fun of my size. I don’t mind jokes every now and then but I don’t even know how you manage to steer every conversation towards mocking me. I’m beginning to think you have a problem with me. Thinking about it we never really got along in secondary school, we never fought and we never really spoke but there was this vibe you gave off towards me that I never really understood and I actually never cared but now, I mean we’re in the same uni.

I was even surprised that you wanted to be friends with me.

I felt you’ll be like those that’ll completely ignore those from their past that they weren’t close to. I didn’t think that the fact that you didn’t know anybody else here would make you want to be close to me. ”

I reach for one of the three big bottles of water on the table and drink non stop for many seconds. I catch my breath and continue

“We can be tolerant and respectful at least, the way we shut Terna down every time he speaks Tiv is not nice. He should feel at home with us and be free to speak the language of his heart, we can be patient with him and ask him what he means.

Also, Ore the way you treated him when he asked you out is not nice, there are nicer ways to turn down proposals. He avoids us now and it’s not right. Ore apologize to him and find a way to bring him back.”

I pause to catch my breath. I am sure it is obvious that this “public speaking” thing is new to me. I place my palms on my forehead and mutter “Oh God, help me” as I looks at my notes.

“We should be more supportive of each other. It wasn’t really nice the way we made fun of Sarah when she gave us her story to read, I could see that she was hurt and she’ll never want to share her dreams with us. She probably hasn’t written since then.

I also don’t like the way I’m shunned when I try to speak and the way we don’t give everyone a chance to air their views, our conversations are becoming arguments.

I put on what I think is a confrontational look

“Look , you guys should just get relaxed because I’m going to say everything I have wanted to say for a while.”

“I think we should be more loving and caring. I know we’re not softies but we’re friends and this should be a safe place where we can tell our struggles and comfort each other.”

I stretch my left hand to the side as if pointing to an imaginary person

“I don’t like that we’re ignoring the fact that Stephen is continually thinking of how to pay his school fees, how to help his brother with getting admission or where his next meal will come from and we’ve never thought of going to visit Ore’s mother in the hospital together. We’ve never thought of praying together for God to see us through.”

A slight ache visits my forehead so I go to the bathroom and pour water on my head.

I return and pick the notebook but it slips from my fingers

“Every time we plan to study only Sarah and I show up and we know Sarah needs all the help she can get , the way we handled last semester exams really wasn’t fair.

All we do is laugh and I am tired of it. We make fun of each other and we all have to laugh even when such jokes go too far.

Some stupid university policy comes out and we laugh, a lecturer threatens to destroy our lives and we laugh, prices of things go up to a hundred fold and we laugh-“

My voice breaks and I suddenly feel dizzy so I reach for a chair. The tears can’t help but come

“My father dies and we laugh. We laugh and then go back to our rooms to cry ourselves sore”

I am wet from the water I poured on my head and the water coming from my eyes but don’t bother to look for tissue paper.

“We wipe our eyes and repeat the same routine. We are no different from a community of alcoholics and drug addicts who do what they do to forget their sorrows for ten minutes.”