A man and a woman are deep in conversation, holding hands, looking at each other’s expression and reading what the other person is saying without expressing. In the small kitchen of the matchbox house in Orlando East, the small wooden table is hosting their hands that hardly broke free of each other; the table was given to the woman by her boss some time ago.

The man is sitting like he has a hunch on his back, given his big stature he had to, in order to see the woman’s face. ‘’Why don’t you let it go, are you not tired of always looking over your shoulders, moving from township to township. Don’t you want a stable home? Where our daughter can grow and not always hide her in our neighbours’ house . She needs a childhood we can’t exile her in her own country, why are we always in refuge?’’

The woman sent floods of questions to the man. ‘’Look around us no one is happy, we just getting by. Should we be grateful for these crumbs? Why are we treated like shit? I am doing it for her. I know she won’t understand now,’’ the man said and breaking off the gaze and now looking at their hands chained together on the table.

‘’Have you seen what they have done to people like you? Why risk it, you want her to grow up without a father, like you did when your lost your papa in the mines of Johannesburg, you want your only daughter to lose you too?’’ She said with unusual harsh tone, but she still stared at his black face with a scare on his once broken nose.

‘’Don’t you dare bring my papa into this, may his soul rest in peace. Woman you know this is shit, you want her to be like the rest of you: should she be a domestic worker, another maid a nanny and clean after the shit of those devils? Not my daughter, not the child who is my blood. I’d rather bleed to death in a ditch somewhere.’’ The man had fury in his voice that made the woman to not look at his dark eyes which have seen a lot of dark things and had a look of death.  

 ‘’Stop this talk, that makes me angry. And you know it! You know my heart is here at home, at peace with things, why did you involve yourself in it? Most who were in it are now rotting in prison or in shallow graves where the earth happily swallowed them and though cold gave them warmth and cover,’’ the woman said in a calmer tone now.

‘’We die even if we do not get involved and cause no trouble. Even when we smile and go to church and do what the baas wants we die. Bullets or sjambok on our backs we die. We need to carry passes to walk around or see family, isn’t that the same as being a refugee? Is it better to be a refugee at home or at…’’ he darted his eyes away from her but the table. 

‘’You still see your family, you still sleep at night with a full stomach,’’ she said giving in silently. ‘’The language of freedom is universal!’’ he said sharply. ‘’Listen to me very well, many have gone and will never return. Many left and never even crossed the border before they were killed my love this is your home, we love you. Stay with us. But I fell in love with you, knowing very well who you were. I thought maybe having a child would end your activities but you are a strong man faithful to his convictions. I release you but the price of your release is a life without your child in your life for God knows how long,’’ the woman let out tears which she did not wipe, and also her palms were locked onto his.

She then looked outside the window to see a bit of life, because his eyes were written death all over them. ‘’Thank you my love one day she’ll understand why I left, I die inside when I think about the journey because I will not see my daughter grow. My heart shuts down and the blood pauses. My heart reasons me out of it, but my brain knows it’s for the best and should go with the others. Sometimes I laugh and cry thinking why we do it and who are we trying to convince with our answers we tell ourselves. But I know liberation is not something you go and bargain for,’’ he said freeing her arms from his and using his scared arms to wipe his equally scared but once handsome face he still is if you do not look at the scare on the nose and near the left ear.   

‘’So when are you going to tell her you are leaving next month?’’ she felt sorry for him. ‘’I don’t have the luxury of time, we leave tomorrow plans have changed and I hid this from you too, because I wanted to take the dread from you. I knew you were going to count the days till I left in agony, now you have to count the hours,’’ he said and they both laughed at his bad but funny truthful joke. ‘’She will know tonight when I return from running an errand,’’ he said looking at the door. He pulled his blue overcoat but now turned grey because of years and poor care, from the chair he was seating on and headed for the door. She ignored him as he left the house, but in seconds of hesitation she scrammed to the window and opened it carelessly as he watched him march on in the dust with his overcoat losing colour in every swing of his steps. She wasn’t thinking of him but on her mind was how would she cope with raising a child of comrade alone.  

He returned after dark with a big paper bag that looked so heavy and stuffed. He did not knock but gently opened not to alarm them, he knows how they react to loudly opened doors as the police have a nasty habit of entering a man’s home by kicking the door so violently to startle those inside. The man took off his green hat after he had put the bag down and put it behind the cupboard opposite the coal stove which was heating the house. She was sitting with her daughter, they were both smiling and laughing and he wished he wasn’t here to put the sun away and make things gloomy for they seemed to be in a warm place with lots of sunshine and he was the dark cloud that brought thunderstorms. Mother and daughter talking and laughing without him and he knew they have to do so for many times without him, for God knows if its weeks, months years and maybe forever. The child stopped talking to the woman and ran to the man and he lifted her up, he allowed his tears to roll down and she used her small hands to wipe his tears.   

He put her down and back to her mother’s hands who also was in tears, the child was puzzled and held her mother’s hands. He joined them in the table and outstretched his hands to their side and they did the same and their hands formed a tight knot, they were bonded by their love for each other. The woman then decided it is time to eat she served them pap and mash potatoes. They ate in silence, apprehension in the faces of the parents palpable. The child ate with no glimpses of strain she just ate away. Half way through his plate the man pushed his plate aside and looked at the child eating with her family. Not knowing it was her last supper with her father the activist. ‘’Thembi can you leave me alone with my daughter for a minute.’’ he asked but in a way was not making a request but telling her to give them the room. The woman knew what was coming like the headlines on the radio most of them were bad news. She disappeared to the bedroom and left them to discuss the bad news. ‘’My child daddy loves you very much,’’ he said looking at Thembi who was peering through the bedroom door with the half of her face outside and the other half inside. He did not disapprove of her behaviour, he knew that she wanted to see and hear how the bad news bulletin will unfold. ‘’Daddy I know that you love me and I love you. I am your little princes,’’ the child said looking at his dark brooding face. ‘’My child daddy has to leave tomorrow morning. Bad men want to do harm and they will not rest until I am dead my child. I am going to exile, do you know what means child?’’ he enquired his eyes not at the child but at the woman whom had her face fully out the door only her body left in the bedroom. He continued, ‘’Do you know what is exile child?’’ he still was not looking at the child but looking at the face of the woman.   

The child was now in tears, he took her small palms and joined with his and they hold tight like they were sewed together. ‘’Child the bad men want to keep us living in the dark ages, yes we are black but our lives and future need not be black and hopeless. We need to narrate and write our own life stories and have a say in our destinies and not be not be told what to do and where to go, we are like visitors in our own country, you know how uneasy visitors are when they visit a stranger’s house?’’ he went on, ‘’I am going to the bushes and train and come back armed and fight the bad men, the fight and the scales have always been on their side and without balance and equality they just squashed us like nothing with our stones and them with bullets we did not stand a chance, now when we return things will be different, Africa will return with us,’’ he said wiping the tears off her face. He had tears flooding his face too which prompted the child to return favour and wipe his tears for him. Her father’s tears bothered her more than hers and continued wiping his face. In that moment Thembi left the bedroom not seen by anyone and knelt between them. The child was wiping the father’s face and the mother wiping the child, the mother had to be strong.

After a long pause, the child spoke with a choked voice. ‘’Father I know exile please take me with you father, I don’t want you to be alone in place where no one knows you,’’ after that the parents looked each other in shock as they did not expect this from their 13 year old daughter. ‘’Father if you go take me with you.’’ She abruptly stopped from saying something because she could no longer control her cries and now decided to wipe her own tears she sobbed uncontrollably. ‘’Princess exile is not where I want my princess to be, this is your home and I need you to look after our garden and to protect your mother child you are now the general of the house,’’ he said trying not to cry this time and he did try because it dried up on his face. ‘’Baby wami your father will return one day and we will cry tears of joy because we will know we have won,’’ the woman said winking at the man.

‘’Daddy no daddy no I don’t want to stay, if you die who will identify you or know your grave, daddy no please,’’ she pleaded breaking free from her mom’s clutch and falling to the lap of the man. ‘’My child this I will be doing is not for me. Youth has escaped me and doubt I will even have time to even enjoy the freedom we will achieve, this is for you child and others your age, whom will know what it’s like to have a free mind and have dreams that are not narrowed and channeled by the lack of opportunities. I am doing this for you my child to know what it’s like to walk around and not have your skin treated as a sin, my child I grew up in chains now we are going to fetch the keys to unlock those chains and open the locks for you. I am scared that I will reach the door and maybe not enter the vehicle of freedom but I know you will be in the driving seat setting off and driving to a free place. We are doing this for those we love the most,’’ he said letting the child go and looking at his own hands. The child nodded her head as to say I understand. ‘’I have to wash up and sleep, don’t leave in the early hours father I need to see you go and wish you well,’’ that is all the child said and went to the her room and retuned with the wash basin and poured the water from the black big pot for boiling water which was always filled with water when the stove was lit. Khanya then lifted the basin and went to her room and disappeared. The child later emerged from her room with the basin in hand, she was wearing her favourite pink pyjamas with a matching gown, she got those from her mother’s boss, the boss was a gracious old lady who gave them things when she did not need them, but really adored the child and bought her school uniforms, paid her school fees, stationary and Christmas clothes once. The child opened the door and walked to the garden and splashed the water on the grass. She stood there outside looking at the black sky with stars crept under not a single one was festooning the dark sky. Her father held her shoulders and they both look up, the child felt his warm tears hit the back of her neck and then she turned around and hugged the man. ‘’You can forget about it dad, we can move to another township like we always done in the past five years we can go back to Kwa Thema, maybe the bad men are not looking for you on that side,’’ she said looking at him but his face was like the sky, dark and no sign of life in it just misery and absentness. He was surprised by her thinking at times. ‘’Princess they will not stop until I am dead, they want us to live like this sky on top our heads with no signs of hope or little signs of light, but freedom is like the sun it warms everyone and shines for even those isolated and even the blind know when the sun is shining. The darkness will not last forever, we are only a time away from dawn,’’ The man broke down again, because he knew there was no turning back he has made his choice or his choice made him. Thembi was watching them through the window.

‘’I know the police officers came today and they slapped mama many times and they threatened to take her to prison also, if she did not tell them what are you planning and where were you, but mama was strong you see father you are not the only one fighting. Mama is fighting too,’’ the child said, looking back at the window where her mother was looking at them from.

‘’Thembi told me only that the police were here and they left without causing trouble,’’ he said kneeling down, ‘’God is this your will? Give me strength and protect my family, they did nothing wrong. Punish me torture me not them, they did not ask for this I did. They had no hand when I bombed the police building, they did not throw stones at the police, I was the one who threw the petrol bomb at that police officer I did all that, punish me not them. Lord, please keep my child and wife safe. Amen lord your power is great.’’

AMEN! Said the weeping Thembi and the child who were by his side. Then they helped him to feet. The wind nearly took him down but they held him firm. They walked slowly to the house as a family for the last time until he… The child quickly fell asleep that night, she was exhausted emotionally. In the big bedroom when Thembi was deep into her sleep, the man woke up and headed for the paper bag. He opened it and looked at the machine guns, explosives and many documents and he was silent for a very long time. Thembi who was watching him from the same spot she was in earlier was silently praying unnoticed until she said her amen aloud and causing the man to look up after she had blown her cover. ‘’I will not judge you, the good book says we should not judge but the book also says that we should not kill,’’ she said with no facial expression or perhaps the darkness hid her face. He put everything back inside the big bag he left her standing there and simply went to bed.   

Thembi was up earlier than everyone like always, she decided that she was skipping work today and her boss would understand but she will not tell her the real reasons she is not coming she will come up with something. She made soft porridge and sat down alone in the cold with her thoughts and the porridge.  

Her cheeks felt the warmth of her tears and she did not bother to do anything with them. The child appeared from her room and saw her mother sitting alone in the corner not moving a muscle. And the child knew he was gone and selfishly without saying good bye. Tears rolled on the child’s face too. But they were wrong because he opened the door and entered full of sweat in his worn out tracksuits. The child and the woman tried to hide their tears from him. He wanted to say something but words would be too painful he just held their hands. He used cold water to wash himself and after washing himself he appeared wearing a khaki trouser, white shirt, black tie and his favourite grey overcoat. He was dressed like a gentleman; he did not fit the trouble maker name he was given by the police.  

They sat down and ate the porridge in silent smiles, they all knew what was happening and the implications talking about it would destroy them, they preferred to smile. No one cried they just carried on eating. He finished his food before them and it was around past six in the morning. They looked at him in silence, him gathering his things. When he was done, the child led him out of the door. The sky was grey and drops of rain hit them hard but they did not care. It was also as if the sky was shedding tears with the poor family. Thembi did not go outside with them she cried and screamed by herself in the bedroom she was faced down on her pillow.

Outside on the rain the smartly dressed man and the child did not let the rain dampen their spirits as they stood next to his car. ‘’Daddy don’t go I thought I was strong enough no daddy, don’t go. I can’t survive without you and mommy too, I had dreams of them killing you,’’ the child said pulling his grey coat back. ‘Child, daddy has to go this is a fight that must be fought for the black children, a fight for you. I will not lie to you child I am afraid that I will die, I am afraid they will come hit my wife and harm my child. But I keep telling myself I am fighting for you my child so you will have a future like your name Khanya. Child I have to go, look after your mother. She needs you please be a good child my dear,’’ he said wiping his faces out of habit because it was raining it was due to be wet again. What she did next took him by surprise.   

She ran after him, sobbing and yelling, ‘’Please don’t go. Where are you going, when are you coming back?’’ She grabbed his leg and held on as if her whole existence depended on it. In some way it did. He turned around and knelt in front of her. He just held, she closed her eyes and took a deep breath, just taking him in by the beating of his heart. He too absorbed her system. He tried to let go but she held on, she just held him. She finally let go. He tried to speak but only a dry sigh came out. ‘’Wipe your tears daddy loves you. I’ll be back I promise,’’ he said. Somehow she knew that this is one promise her daddy was never going to carry through. She watched him as he got into his car and drove off she watched agony as the car got smaller and smaller finally it disappeared into the distance.

She engraved that sight into her soul because it was the last she would have of her father. She couldn’t remember when she dozed off but it must have been somewhere between pain, anger and loneliness she felt inside her. She tried to get up but her heart wouldn’t let her. She then was conscious of the rain, hitting her body hard but it couldn’t hit harder than the guilt and loss inside her. Why didn’t she run after him, stop him somehow. The rain seemed to hit harder and harder as she lay there. Hating the world, but most of all she kind of hated herself.