Once upon a while ago…I met a spacial someone

She made it clear that friendship is all she sought from our connection and as such I respected her boundaries. Even though she tried by all means to hide it, she was asking questions that gave her away in so many ways. Still I decided that maybe she is just a flirt and is testing the waters to see if the door would barge, should she push hard enough. She went from asking trivial questions to “Would you date a girl who smokes?” I decided to answer all her questions without even in the slightest bit make it known that I could see through her. Before she went to bed the day we started “talking” she made it a point to remind me one more time that she only seeks friendship and nothing more.

Days turned to weeks and weeks to months of texting one another every day but before it got to that… this is how it all started

“Why do you switch off your data? Why can’t I reach you in the morning? I don’t condone it and it’s not cute!” “Uhm, ma’am who are you again?” Said my inner voice. I know I’m probably going to be judged for this but I found it cute even though there was nothing cute about it. I mean, I did not owe her any explanation whatsoever but I still obliged and gave in to her demands. Yes, I followed her rules like a well trained dog. Until I found myself slowly moving away from the person I had built myself to be and doing absolutely everything within my power to please her. No one forced me though, I did it. My data stayed on throughout the night and the nights that followed. We texted everyday. She would sulk whenever I had to go to sleep before 12am and even though I’m a night owl, I messed up with my sleep schedule big time and did not mind at all even if it meant sleeping at 4 or 5 am. I have to admit it to myself, it was evident that I liked her and she could see it.

However, things took a turn one day and it made me rethink my infatuation for her. We had a family meeting at my grandmother’s house so I let her know that I won’t be available for a few hours. At first I thought it was a joke when she asked me to record the meeting and joked about it, hahaha we laughed it off. Little did I know it was a warning for me to hit the road. She later wanted me to tell her the details of the said meeting nevermind that the topic was what I considered sensitive to share with a stranger. Yes, she was a stranger I had known for about three to four weeks if I’m not mistaken.

She got mad at me and did not want to talk to me. Why did I not let her be right there and then? We “fixed things” and it went back to smooth sailing once more. We got along really well and I became fascinated with her like never before. She’s hilarious, smart, beautiful and a kind soul. I was intimidated by her at some point, but I’ll get to that in a bit. We texted and she would flirt with me without making it obvious that she knew what she was doing and I sat there and enjoyed my flight. I mean, why complain when you’re flying first class?

About a week later I made it known that I’d really like to meet up with her. She was keen in meeting up with me and as such I got cold feet and it turned out that we were both nervous about the idea. She said maybe we should wait it out a bit because we may be controlled my our hormones and because it’s the “honeymoon stage”. I didn’t even know that friendships had those, I liked her choice of words though and I’m not even going to pretend like I didn’t. I went with it but now I was a bit confused because… huh? Are we friends, are we talking with the possibility of being something more in the future or what is this? Which one is this one now?

Maybe two weeks in after the suggested meet up, we were acting like a couple that is not really a couple and I enjoyed it and by the look of things the feeling was mutual. We would let one another know when we go out with friends and our daily routines so we didn’t feel like we were missing out on each other’s lives and it brought us closer together. It was never rushed though, baby steps were very vital in this ship at least at first.

Going back to why I was intimidated. Now, she knew a lot about me but she still did not know me. I’ve come to an understanding that with me, what you see is not what you get. Not because I potray myself as someone who I’m not but because people tend to assume things by just looking at me. I did not even know how I was got to drop one of Saddam’s missiles. I then figured it would be a good idea to do so by taking it one step at a time and see where she was mentally. My biggest intimidation was not her brain, wit, charisma or her beauty but because I come from a poor background and that made me very insecure. She couldn’t care less about any of those things and seemed to appreciate my honesty even more and wanted us to rather focus on getting jobs and getting our own place first. Tell me how it was not long over due for me to fall for this woman?

We were still not a couple but we were, you get it? We had pet names for one another and we were halfway through the wedding chapel but we were not together. It cracks my funny bone now that I’m reminiscing. So one day she had a family outing and she drank until she got completely sloshed. So while we were talking in between calling one another “babe” she finally decided to scratch the itchy place that had been bothering her for a while and wanted me to tell her what was really going on between us because “You’re my babe but you’re not really my babe”. We said to talk about it when she’s sober but we never really went back to it and the circle continued. We would send one another love songs as well as sing for one another, reminders here and there that we were thinking of one another and we continued to text every single day without missing a beat but… we were not an official couple! Until one day, we were.

The relationship was out of this world and it felt really healthy or maybe it was beause I had never been in one like it before. Had someone told me I would be in a long distance relationship before I would’ve laughed my head off because I had sworn off of being in that kind of situation, not when trust issues hang over my head. Being an overthinker would not even help the situation at all and still I decided to take that leap and put my faith in it, we both did. I felt safe, loved and appreciated like never before and I went as far as thinking maybe this is what the universe had in store for me all this while and as such, my past connections did not workout because of this gem that had been waiting for me or was it the other way around? It was really beautiful. Everything about me started to change, internally as well as on the external. I looked different, walked as well as talked diffently. Believe me when I say I had never felt more in tune with myself. Things that would normally make me angry did not matter anymore and I was always happy and spreading my good mood. The world was my oyster and I felt invincible. We supported one another’s dreams and were each other’s biggest cheerleaders. Apologized no matter who was wrong and we communicated about things that do not rub us the right way. No matter what, we would fix the issue and things would go back to normal. She would be appreciative that I brought the issue to light and life would go on.

It doesn’t matter the number of times you whatch Titanic, it is still going to sink. As time went on I started to notice a pattern. I kept bringing things up and they kept happening and I started to sound like a scratchy cassette. That’s when things took a turn and everything was getting blurry real quick and I could feel us going downhill slowly but surely. We started to fight about mundane things but fighting isn’t all that bad if it’s not physical and it could mean that there is something worth fighthing for. However it becomes a problem when Rosaline takes Juliet’s place and Romeo is left out in the cold. We saw it, we felt it but still waited for it to hit the ice.

Behold…you are still to witness the horrors of its entirety. It was on a one fateful afternoon when she was at an after tears. As a ‘certified overthinker ‘ the things she said grew roots and there was nothing I could do about it. I’m really not trying to make her out to be a villain here, there were some situations I really could’ve handled better.

If you continue to do the same thing time and again, why bother apologising? Our relationship had reached a new level of toxicity and it was a point of no return. The trust was no longer there and this was all from my side because she seemed content that there was nothing wrong with us apart from the fact that we are wired differently. It was starting to feel more like a chore than a relationship. We controlled each other’s lives in more ways than one and we knew our relationship was on a death row.

We shared our happiness and troubles. We had a lot in common yes, childhood trauma involved. Black sheeps of our families and truth tellers in our own right. I told her that I saw myself in her, it was a shocking remark but it was my truth. I saw a younger me or rather my inner child. I never took her rude comments personal and saw them as a cry for help from a heavily wounded child who learned very earlier on that this world is a cold and ruthless place and has been hurt one too many times. Trust is a foreign language to her innocent ears that have grown deaf to it’s melody for it has been tainted by people closest to her. We’ve laughed and cried together. We held each other’s hands through the darkest times even though we were kms apart. Eventually we became comfortable or maybe too comfortable and that’s when the momentum changed and true colours were revealed as well as the love bombing to shift my focus on the issue at hand. I was well aware that it was happening but still…I stayed.

By the time hurricane pettiness hit I’ll admit that I was a few words away from being numb. I called her out on yet another one and that’s when it all went south and I could feel the water slowly creeping in and I knew we were sinking. Eye rolls were becoming a stable meal and hurtful words were exchanged. I called her toxic she called me dumb and crazy. I called her selfish she called me childish. “No one has you by the shackles” she said and I was dumbfounded and confused as to what had happened to the woman I fell in love with. “I don’t want to go, do you want me to leave?” And what she said prior that question heavily rained on me when she said that she was tired. I knew…I knew right there and then that we were moving further apart. I don’t know why I chose to stay when she wanted me to go but I did. I guess I had grown too attached and too stubborn to throw in the towel just yet.

My brain wanted out but my heart wasn’t barging so I stayed or rather, we stayed. It was a tricky situation because for the first time in my life I was with someone who truly understood me and vice versa or so I wanted to believe. The passion intensity built up at the speed of lava, perhaps that’s why it crashed and burned just as quickly. A lesson or a blessing? Either way I was meant to learn something from it. I thought I had healed but little did I know that I would meet someone who would trigger me and forced me see parts of myself that I had not yet acknowledged.

I must thank her though because I thought I had accepted myself whole but knowing her made me realize that I still had a lot to work and reflect on and that my self love was not yet unconditional.