People always say it’s best to get revenge so you can feel good. Some say it’s better to shut down everything that connects you to your pain but either way, you cannot choose which one to take on those days you get angry at someone for wasting your time but you also feel like yes my time was wasted but I felt good most of the time. 

We always rush ourselves to healing, we heal with our mouths and minds, we run away from the situation but at the same time we are hurt, we are angry , we are distant. How can one fail to do justice to themselves and go through it. I was always scared to let go as I still cannot believe I am here again in this dry land with no water and no chances of human to survive. Yes of course it should look draining and Scarry when you think about it because emotionally that is how I feel when I was taken for a ride and they dropped me at my nightmare.

First few months of it nothing changes, it gets darker and darker. Emotions turned out to be a mixture of colours you just can’t figure out how to feel. Nights get depressing and the saddest part about it is no one even notices your break down and rock bottom, remember they only care and support when you are blooming sunflowers everywhere and not on those cold winter nights when there is no sunlight to support your growth

Yes most of the days I thought about revenging, I always thought about killing, torturing, voodoo, fire, brutality, cyber bullying and those thoughts would make me feel good most of the time, that’s how close I got to my pain that’s how I got attached to getting rid of this pain. I thought with a little bit of damage I could heal myself I could feel like me again but truth is I never even had the guts to face simple reality, like bumping into them and actually not do anything not even try to talk to them. That thing in you grows it forms this one terrific creature that makes you say bad karma for them, it makes you pray for their death, scream you never want to see them alive. That’s the root of anger. Being angry just because you are a coward to go through the pain leads to situations we all regret later 

Cry. Yes that’s it , you are elevating new sense of pride. Admit every wrong you did even if you don’t feel good about it or you are embarrassed, it’s okay. Scream, shout, sleep do whatever it takes to get you back to who you are, probably even you multiplied. Its not easy at all but it is doable and you can definitely conquer it. Don’t set time for yourself to heal . If you do the right things ,one day , some ordinary day in public transport to anywhere and a thought strikes you and you start thinking of where you are coming from those days you where crying and thinking you will never go through this one and you smile a lil bit because that moment you will be over it and nothing changes in you anymore when you mention or even think about it…

My name is not important but what I have learnt is that people will hurt you leave you at your worst and show no remorse afterwards. They are not afraid to sell you dreams and leave you hanging but also its partly the life itself that teaches one the way to live. I mean as individuals we face issues that are not the same. When it is all about us and not about the next person, when life is just doing what it does most to you and not everyone else. I understand that everyone has problems and life is not always easy. I thought so too until I had to enroll in college. Where I learnt that other kids problems are way simplier than those of mine. Yes we are in the same institution yes but they (some) have it easy hey. I told myself before enrolling that I’ll never compare myself to anyone but so far. It’s even difficult to wake up in the morning, I am going to listen to ‘Nice life problems’ and I’m supposed to give out advices but I can’t even talk to one of them because no one can relate I mean I can’t even complain that I need a part time job in order to buy myself school lunch or what is the next meal I’ll have. I mean being a journalists was always my dream and I’m happy I’m finally doing what I love but in that environment I feel hungry alone and everyone has got parents who just can do whatever they need. 

Again it’s not their fault that their parents can afford but I feel like it’s my fault that mine can’t . It’s something I do a lot to blame myself with everything because no one ever admits to anything. I know that the youth of 1976 were suffering and fought for their freedom, they could face their problems head on,they were able to deal with what they can see and plan with what they saw. A lot of them lost lives, got injured, left school, eloped and others are a living testimony. Till today we are able to go to school do whatever we love and do it proudly . I’m actually proud of how we get our gowns and becoming educated. 

Well that was their battle they had to fight during their era and we were then born without this issue of having to fight for education to come to us I mean the government is doing a great job to keep us in school even though there are glitches that led us to fight for correct education and fees. That right there showed us that, fighting for the same thing again ain’t what we are here to do as this generation. Ours is complex, our fight is fixing the stigmas lying in the air that they even formed a virus. We are a generation of multiple suicide cases, rapes, gender Based Violence, wanting to be famous and influencial and being poor. We are living in poverty but we look like we can afford because of the pressure of changes us specifically native nation want to upgrade to but are given less

It’s the anger we contain in ourselves. It is the tears we cry alone thinking we don’t want to bother people. It’s those thoughts we have at night when those who lives good are snoring. We are the suicidal, angry, heartbroken and low self esteemed generation. We are fighting with someting that might over power us something that will collect us where we are one by one. Our great grandfathers and grandmothers tears are vocalised by us. Suicide, mental health in general is the pandemic we currently facing as the youth of the world. Whether rich,poor, blonde, bald, short,tall. We are all comfarble speaking about death than living. Some will say the world is coming to an end but I say with us it starts. We will break all the false information instilled in us about gender, love culture, who’s supposed to be submissive, what is to submit, gender strength. We are broken by different scenarios and it’s survival of the fittest. 

We are scared of the truth. We don’t like to realise that if we could say sorry to the people we hurt, we can heal a lot of hearts. We are slowly losing ourselves and it needs us to unite and fight with our biggest enemy living in us. Disturbing our way of living. I know we are tired, we are disappointed and we appreciate danger like it’s candy we are not safe amongst ourselves. We talk to each other without us hurting each other. We are hungry. Some for real food probably even “simple maize porridge with 1 teaspoon of sugar” Some hungry for acceptance an easy ” I love you my child and your sexuality.” Hungry for success because we are sold success and not the actual importance of living. We are living in poverty that doesn’t include food only but lack of understanding that how do I drink water for dinner while other are feeding on feasts.