I thought of writing a book about my life experiences but for a moment there you came to mind. Before me there was you and before you there is God, so allow me to write this book about you.

One would think this is all about my mom, the woman who gave birth to me, the woman who bore me for nine full months and went through so much labor pains. The woman who would remind me from time and again that I messed up her life.What if it wasn’t for me she would have been far in life”the richest and all that silvers and golds“.So to answer your confusion, no this is not about her but about my grandmother, her mother of course.

Oudokie, that’s what we called her. She was the strongest woman I have ever come across. Yes by saying she was I mean she is no longer with us here on earth. She was a mother to five children, four boys and one middle girl child who happens to be my mom. Yes, I have four uncles or rather three since the second oldest has passed away leaving his children as orphans since his wife died before him.

My grandmother’s oldest son separated from his wife leaving four of his children with Oudokie. My mom broke things up with my stepmother whom she shared a baby boy who is my little brother. Yes, he left us with nothing but our clothes. taking all the furniture even spoons. We had to go live with Oudokie too. Mind you know that Oudokie was unemployed but living with us all. We felt rejected by our parents but the love she gave us was out of this world. She cared for us and supported us with her gift money. Yes gift money, she had a calling of healing broken hearts. People would come with problems and she would advise them on what to do and give them some traditional herbs to cast away whatever spells cast on them. Yes, she was a traditional healer.” Mmamosebeletsi” is the name given to such people.

She was a firm woman, strong and very beautiful. She walked with pride, she was a lioness. She was a goddess. She was our pillar of strength. She taught us to value and love God. A woman who endured the hardships of life but lived peacefully. Was she really at peace though? I never saw her crying, She was tough like that. I remember one day late in her fifties she gathered all her grandchildren and said”ga ke gola melethari ke tlile go le tsaya lotlhe ke le rekela dijo tse le di ratang,reje go nne monate”(when I get my old pension fund from Sassa I will take all of you and buy you your favorite food so we could eat and rejoice).I remember when there was no food to eat she would go the whole day to hustle food from her friends for us, she did not want to face our hungry eyes. She would come back and say we should cook and eat. Mind you know we had parents that worked by that time but never cared to come to check on us.

Was my grandmother going through depression? I remember how her death was explained to us. She took us from our home village and bought a stand in a village elsewhere and lived with us for a period of time. Then she went back to our home village while we were schooling in the new village. I bet she thought she was going to have peace of mind. Weeks passed on and I remember it was on a school day and we just came from a school that day and our cousin who was left behind living with Oudokie came and he cried and seemed exhausted. He said, “nkoko o hlokafetse”(Our grandmother has passed on)I swear from that moment I went blank, I felt my soul leaving my body as he explained what transpired.

I was so connected to her so much, more than all her grandchildren. We sat together, sewed together, sang together, prayed together(smiling at the thought of all that)she was my anchor, my echo, my greatest support system. She was everything to me. I felt dead that day. What hurts me the most is not saying goodbye to her or watching her coffin go down. I was not given the chance to. From there all things went sour. Bad things happen and are still happening to our family. The is no peace and we fight amongst ourselves. We stopped trusting God, wanted to blame God for allowing the devil to enter and take our pillar. We failed at this thing called “life” Young and fragile by that time. Our lioness was gone and we had to fend for ourselves and take life as it comes.

I think she overdosed. i think it was too much for her to take. I think she wanted to rest but is she resting though?…seeing how broken her family is? will she have that “rest in perfect peace” moment? Oudokie are you okay? You passed on when I was only fourteen years old and now I am thirty-one years old with two children and a fiance. Now I get why they always say”gone too soon” you were not young but you left us too soon. Too soon to see us grow and make you proud. You left us half done, half baked. Now the cookies are not okay for the world to feed on. To have peace you have to fulfill your duty here on earth, you can’t do that physically but spiritually you can. We are still in mourning. Help us find peace so you could find peace. Come back and lead us in the right way. Dear lost angel, we need a guardian angel. come back. Together we can

Written, signed, and sealed with love.